29 Days

It actually has been going for a while.
But I was scared to confess even to myself..
That I've gone far from the road.

Today I went to Helen's sweet 17th party.
I was 1 and a half hour LATE.
I was stuck with some cordinations at the Marguru, then when got home Mom said,

"Dys, it's drizzling, seems like it's gonna be heavy rain. Can you not come to the party?"

At that moment, I was full of anger,dissapointment, and unsureness.
I was making "my bad-tempered-face" and it got Mom's nerves but she still menage to drive me.
The streets weren't exactly what I'd hope for.
We got stuck in the traffic for abou 45 minutes then almost 20 minutes looking for Helen's place.

Mom got pissed.
I totally understand that.
I literally srewed her night with the traffic (which she hates the most) and my not-knowing where Helen's is.

When I arrived at the party, it was the 'celebration' part.
It was while the priest was delivering the sermon, it struck me.
How I've lost my access with God, with Dad, with Mom, with myself..
I've been back to my "black book", my most undesirable habits, my dark side.

29 hari lagi buat acara Malua-ku.

Few days ago, I was still excited about how many presents or much money I'll get.

But now, I'm AFRAID.

Aku takut aku ga dewasa dalam rohaniku.
I'm not afraid of being the responsible one for all my doings.
Aku takut aku ga layak, untuk disebut dewasa.



Dear God,

I think of You, God.
As it gets closer to the day, I realise how I haven't been a good servant for You.

How I haven't been a good daughter for Dad and Mom.
How I haven't been a loving sister for Cia.

I'm afraid of Your curse, God.
And I always need Your hands in my life..
I hope I'll be worht to be calld 'a mature' one on this July 8 ,God .