legless run

today I came

and I still remember that day 

when I came right after school, 

lamenting to You

kneeling down

tears dripping down my face

and all I said was

"I can't...I can't...I can't"

Time passes and

I still come

still have laments

still kneel down

only now

I know this is my weapon

this kneeling down

this surrendering

even in days 

when I feel like putting a fight against You

I still gonna come

to tell You

"I may not know it...

but I put my trust in You

'cause You are my Abba" 

Location Unknown

question from a location uknown

did they send it?

FIRE MEETS GASOLINE 🔥🔥🝆🝆

Hello every boddiiihhh!!!!!

Had an "AHA" moment yesterday, while I was doing my night shift here in Bukit Tinggi.

I was watching Jeremy Foster "Top Relationship Secrets" as a part of "Definitely, Maybe" series.

and there was this part where he goes  :

If they're NOT ON FIRE for HIM,

they CAN'T BE ON FIRE for me.

and at that very moment, SIA's fire meets gasoline starts playing in my head.
Cuz' this song has always been part of my view about how partnership is.
Two persons being the booster for each other.

Back then I had always known that there's something missing on that point of view.
It just felt like it was too much of 'it's all-about-the-two-of-us'.
But I didn't know what it was that's missing....until Jeremy said that...
And that just links everything....
The  whole synapses in my brain just started firing up the action potential. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

So yeah... this song is still one of my favourite and one point of view of how I see partnership is.

It's two people being the fire to the gasoline for each other's PURPOSE.

And that will only be as good as 

how on fire you are for The Lord, before the person comes in your life. 

Cuz' what you bring to the relationship is the reflection of what you're filling yourself with before the relationship.

a quiet place

it took me some time untuk bisa mengakui kalau I am not at peace right now.
kalau dalam hati, aku punya rasa ga terima, kesel ke Abba.
kayak "kenapa harus susah? kenapa harus bertubi-tubi? where's the reward, the promised land?"

tapi di satu sisi, aku juga sadar, what I'm asking from Him, emang bakal dan harus put me through a lot...'cause I wasn't  just asking for me...

so.. I'mma take some quiet time...where I will have a growth and prayer buddy to keep me accountable.
I'm doing this for me...untuk punya hati yang tenang, yang selalu berkomunikasi dengan Abba, yang mau dengar suara-Nya.

Aku sadar sekarang,

kalau sebenarnya apa yang terjadi,

adalah jawaban atas doa-doa yang dulu aku minta,

jauh saat keadaan masih sangat bertolak belakang, 

dan saat yang aku tahu hanya meminta karna itu yang aku rasa di hati.

Tapi sekarang aku bukan hanya meminta, 

karna sekarang aku sedang menjalani  'the required work' untuk apa yang aku doakan.

BABAK BELUR

Tumben banget buat judul blog pake bahasa.. ahahahah....and tumben banget ngetik blog dari hp....

Anyway everyone...
HI!HELLO!!
how y'all doing? 😉☺️

Let's talk about bestfriends.
Like what part do they play in our life.
I mean..most of the time we are so happy to have them because we associate having them with good time, good memories, like laughter and joy.

This is not wrong...I mean everyone has different sorting and classification system of human relationship.

It's just while I'm doing this Pediatric department, and I swear, I love all the babies I get to see...tickle...even hold... it's just I'm also having deep mental stress that every Sunday afternoon-night, around 6 p.m., I be not wanting to do anything, cuz' tomorrow I'mma have to come to the hospital again... :'(

That's just bad...and it's actually rooted to my fear towards my supervisor. Like I be imagining having to meet and speak to my supervisor, and I just go ":( I'm scared".

It was so concerning that my bestfriends called me, cuz' right now the three of us are separated in different regions and timing of the country...

Oli : "APA SIH MASALAH KAU SAMA IBUK TU?"

Like tanpa ada 'halo' 'hola, como esta' atau ba bi bu..she just madly yelled at me...

And at that time I had de ja vù moment...like I used to be the one calling and yelling at the other party, now I'm the one being yelled at.

Then... there's Mai yang bener2 ngambil waktu buat video call and just without any precautions, just 'got in my house' and wreck everything.

Mai : " Glad...kam itu pintar...Aku sedih loh bilang ini...Kam itu pintar tapi kam ga bisa buat keputusan yang benar. 

Aku kenal kam. Aku tau kalau kam sedang damai atau enggak. 

Kalau kam memang mau keluar, ya keluar.
Tapi jangan kek gini. 

Jelasin alasan kenapa kam harus pulang, jelasin alasan kam. 

"Bu, nenek saya meninggal, saya mau ada di sana untuk menghormati Nenek saya untuk terakhir kalinya dan memberi dukungan ke Ayah saya." 

Ya udah kalau nanti ga diterima, kalau dipermasalahkan ya udah. 

Tapi jangan jadikan izin ini alasan untuk melarikan diri. 

Kalau kam memang mau keluar, lansung bilang 

"Bu, saya mau mengundurkan diri."

Kalau ditanya kenapa, bilang 

"Karna menurut saya, saya kurang ilmu untuk masuk Anak."

Kasih jawaban sama orang sampai orang terdiam Glad, sampai dia ga bisa nanya lagi. Jangan mau ngejalanin sesuatu sebagai pelarian. Tapi jalanin karna kam udah tau itu risikonya.  

Jadi kalau pun ga dibolehin, disuruh ngundurin dirilah, kam bisa bilang 

"Aku tahu ini risikonya. Tapi aku siap jalaninnya, karna aku mau ngasih penghormatan terakhir untuk Opungku, dan itu prinsip aku."

And I swear my face went ugly tight waktu dengar itu awalnya....But then I remember..they are my bestfriends, they will slap me, kick me, punch me, if I go out of the line, if I'm not on the right track, cuz' they love me deep enough to not let me mess up my life and stray.


So...if you have people yang emang bakal blak-blakan ngomong sesuatu yang bakal nyakitin kamu, tapi itu bener, dan deep down kamu juga tahu itu bener, please let your ego and walls down...and let them come and cabut dan buang semua sampah yang kamu simpan 'in your house'. 

Let them in.
Let them see.
Let them correct.
Cuz' it's all for the best of you.

And ini bagian termahal dari sebuah hubungan.
Untuk jadi babak belur untuk kebaikanmu.
Untuk jadi babak belur untuk balik ke jalan/pandangan/sikap yang benar.
Untuk jadi babak belur untuk memenuhi 'panggilan'-mu.

P.S. safe flight for me.

Bout to pay some cultural calling and duty for the lat time for my Opung. 🙏🏻🌻🕊️

a letter

I still can't believe I went through all of those things..
But apart from that, I can't stop feeling grateful to God, for making it all happened.
Cuz' as crazy and hurtful and dark it was, it was the breakthrough I needed....

Catching Up

Hi All!

I hope you're reading this while picturing me with my wide smile and my loud excited voice.

I had been really busy and exhausted these past two months.
Starting from psychiatry cycle then anasthesiology.
I was pretty much stressed while doing psychiatry, then phisically exhausted in anasthesiology.
But it turnt out to be one of the greatest time of my life and also one of my turning points. 👐💕💓


I had this epiphany..

" That change really DOES NOT HAPPEN IN ONE NIGHT.But at some point, either it's in the dawn, in the morning, or in the middle of the night, when the threshold potential for your change is reached, there's goes the action potential of  your change. And no turning back, the only option is to get this potential to the whole body parts, your whole life."

Second is that EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS CONNECTED.Either you realise it, you acknowledge it or not, it is what it is.
Nothing is a coincidence, everything happens because there's Power making it all happen.

Ok I need to stop...cuz' I bet people be like "This girl is supersticious AF."
But whatever...That's just the way it is....


Meanwhile, I'm in Pediatric cycle now, and on the 3rd week.
praying for a smooth and blessed Pediatric cycle.

Add caption

P.S. : I got no time to edit the pics...so yeah...it is how it is...

And...may Abba arrange the time, the place, the situation, and the people involved, for our meeting.

Waiting on Him to take me to another phase.