A different kind of feeling

Maria : "Aku tadi ngerasa kehangatan di hati aku, Bor?"
Me : "Gimana Bor?"
Maria : "Kak Tina bilang 'Kau udah masuk tahap HEBAT, Mar, tahan di Kodi sejauh ini."

Working in a NGO is clearly not butterflies and rainbows...ahhhahahaha..
It's not for everyone, that's one thing for sure.
Maria and I have always talked about this that if people think any doctor working for Sumba Foundation solely for the money, that couldn't be any further away from the truth.

On one occasion a governmental rep came to visit us and said,
"Yang di swasta aja bisa tinggal di klinik, kenapa yang kerja sama pemerintah ga bisa, ya kan?"

And to that, I'm pretty sure Maria and I have the same thought but we just bit our tongues.
ahahahahhahahah

And I'm more than grateful to have such supportive nuclear family, best friends, and Maria, especially.
Having a friend I've known before working here gives a sense of comfort in the middle of keeping things professional, knowing where to draw the line between being 'friendly' and at the same time a firm supervisor to a team mostly filled with people older than me and have been working here years before I came in the picture.

So yeah, it's my 10th month working here, almost 1 year in Sumba Foundation, and almost 2 years in Sumba.
1 year that can be a time to decide where I would take the next journey.
But just like all the things that I decided in the past, I will always keep things only to myself and my most trustworthy inner circle.

Maria : "Bor, aku mau peluk kau."
Me : "ahahhahaha... sini, Bor."

Me : "Kenapa kamu yakin sama aku? Gimana kalau aku ngecewain kamu?"
Him : "Ga tau. Ya aku yakin aja. Jangan mikir gitu. Gimana kalau aku yang ngecewain kamu malahan di depannya? Kan ga ada yang tahu."

 having an outsider complementing you feels good, but someone you replace for,or somone who knows exactly what you're doing, complementing you is a head in the clouds moment, or in Maria's words "kehangatan di hatiku" :)

honestly, sisa 6 bulan di 2022,
udah banyak banget yang udah terlewati,
both my personal and professional life.

Blajar lepra, blajar ngelakuin Skin Slit Smear, ngelakuin skin biopsy, bikin panduan mini klinik tentang pengobatan lepra, bikin form initial assessment dan follow-up sampai hanya lihat pasien dari wajahnya yang ketutupan masker bisa yakin 80% ini lepra, persiapan dan peresmian klinik baru, kerja sama dengan peneliti internasional tentang social science yang mirip banget sama skripsi aku, bantu banyak anak-anak special case, blajar orthopedi, blajar rehabilitasi medik, dan yang enggak masuk mata kuliah di kampus belajar ilmu komunikasi, belajar ilmu kepemimpinan.

I actually find kepribadian aku yang introverted by only 4% (ahahahahha) and the fact that I spent 6 years in Padang help me a lot on how to draw the line, how to communicate in work situation.

Bener sih, kita ga pernah tahu kenapa satu hal harus terjadi kayak gitu, tapi emang semuanya udah dirancang sedemikian rupa untuk kebaikan kita.

And one of my most FAQ yang aku juga ga sabar ngelihat jawabannya di masa depan :
"Kamu ga mau jadi spesialis?"
"Mau."
"Terus kenapa milih kerja di sana?"
.....

And to that my answer will always be a smile or 'karena itu jalannya".

Kenapa ya aku suka, karena from time and time again tiap ketemu kata-kata yang sifatnya kayak gitu, ke depannya yang terjadi jauh berebeda dari itu, karena 'ga ada yang tahu jalan hidup orang'.
And I love that kind of surprises, divine surprises, ones that no one can say it wasn't God.

Take my time

"Take your time, Gladys.
  You're still young.
  Don't rush anything. 
  Ask yourself what you really wanna do in life, what you see yourself doing in the next 10 years.
  Find the information you need, spend more time to cave in and have a taste of everything.
  Really use your gut feeling.
  We'll talk about this in 2 months." 

I thought quarter-life crisis had already passed when last year I had to decide what I was gonna do after internship.
Then it's almost one year of me working as a fully independent GP, I am facing the same situation. 

You know what they say about paradox of choice, when you have more options, rather than feeling happy that you'll get what you want, instead you feel more perplexed and stressed in making the call, compared to when you only have fewer choices.

Now, that's exactly what I'm feeling.
My inner circle is very supportive to anything that I choose.
I am not bound to anything or anyone, not in sense that I have this obligation to stick to anything or else I'll have some kind of penalty.

But after that talk with Claus, I realized one thing that may help my 'taking-time' process, that is 

" I wanna do something that not only gives me the oppurtunity to provide for myslef and people I care for, but also gives me a sense of fulfillment, in my case as a doctor, a sense when I know my knowledge and skill really bring improvements, really help, even more change someone life for the better."

I know this sounds too f*ing cliche.
But honestly, practising medicine never felt this fulfilling before I'm in Sumba Foundation. 
Knowing even as a GP you could do so much more than what your 'salary' can give you, it's something I'd love to continue experiencing and doing.

And even though I still don't know the exact answers to Claus,
but now I know what's my guidance, what it is that I wanna do in the next 10 years.

So, yeah.
I'm blessed beyond measure to have a 'boss' that most of the times, I consider as mentor.
All the crying-at-night because I felt I was not good enough, missing my family and friends in the cities, feeling drained after such hectic days, having to travel to so many remote areas by motorcycle,
they are all worth the life experieces no amount of money can give me, that feeling when you know you make good use of your time, your knowledge, your life.

till the next post,
I'mma take my time to have a taste of everything.
💫 

btw, has a taste of something new this week when I broke my left middle toe. 👍😎

 

N A S A

I feel like I'm in the mood for ranting...
in the middle of all my paper works...ahahahah...why am I the most productive when I'm on a lot of deadlines?!

These last past couple of months, probably since September, I was pretty much in a situation where I was kinda searching for something.
And the universe kinda gets the memo and kept sending me 'things'.
Now, this young lady, as smarty-pant and nerdy as she can be, tetep aja dudul dalam beberapa hal.
So she got to learn some things from all that's been happening but also got herself 'hurt' in the middle.
ahahaah

Things I learn these last 5 months :

1. Real friendship is where we not only sweet talk when our friends feeling down, but ones that call out on your friends when she/he makes mistakes or makes decisions that you know will hurt 'em in the end or are not good for them. One that challanges and supports your growth as the individual that you are.

2. Some things I learnt from these people, whether we're still in contact or not, I'm gonna take these lessons :

G : that loving someone means accepting them wholly, including their past, the bad, good, wonderful, nasty past that made them who they are today.

Y : that marrying someone is not because they're a good cook, or they're good in bed, or they're good with kids. Let me put it how he said it :

"Kamu tu punya 24 jam per hari, Dys. Anggap 8 jam kamu habisin untuk kerja, 8 jam lagi untuk istirahat, dan kamu punya sisa 8 jam lagi. Memangnya 8 jam itu mau kamu habisin di kamar terus, atau masak terus, atau ngurus anak terus? Enggak kan?! Kebanyakan dari 8 jam itu, kamu cuman ngabisin cerita. Jadi, menikahlah sama orang yang kamu nyaman cerita sama dia."

 

aku cuman terdiam waktu dia bilang gitu.

P : for being a condiment I never saw coming, but spiced up my life, that I got teary, ahahahah. And ugh, for making me see that when a man loves you, he accepts and appreciates your dreams and aspirations, not looking down on them, nor questioning them. That 'providing' for the family is a man's main part, and it's never wrong to ask for 'provision'. That sometimes, a different background is really fun for both parties, although you both gotta translate some work-related things to each other.
And for once again giving me the chance to prove the kind of lady that I am, in a situation where I have to choose between what's right and what's desired.

3. Ask and you will receive.

I was always the type of girlfriend who wouldn't want to 'burden' my partner to pay for my meals or anything.
But now I see, me working and getting my shits together,
I feel like saying "So tell me boy what are you bringing to the table?"
If they're only 'feelings' and confusion, without commitment, real goals, and tangible evidences (a.k.a the material things), than I better sit by myself until someone comes to table with 'em.

4. Taking pesan Bapak not just to heart but also action now.

I remember when I was preparing for UKMPPD, Bapak sat down on the dining table with me and Cia, and he said :

"Kakak, nanti kalau udah kerja, jangan buru-buru lansung nikah. 
Nikmati dulu uang kakak.
Pergi jalan-jalan, beli baju kakak, bedak kakak."

It's not that when I was doing my internship I didn't use my money for my own pleasures.
But sure, it feels different now, having your own money with different title and 'real' responsibility.
It feels gratifying, knowing that the money you make is from a toil and that your work actually brings impacts on other people's lives.

5. Live my live fully HERE and NOW.

This year's 'word of the year' from Transformation Church is not a word, but a phrase,
"HERE IS HOLY".

Well, I just found that out like last week.
What a coincidence, when I have been thinking and feeling that I hadn't been living fully my 'here' and 'now'.
Like because I was on my search for something, I forgot that what's in front of me now is no regular thing, that I should tend and take care of my now better.

Like as an OG overthinker and planner, thinking about the future always excites that Virgo side of me.
But, gotta learn how to enjoy now and make the best out of it.

I guess that's all...
Gotta get back to my paper works, for I wanna spend my weekend with Oli 'paper-work free".
We 'bout to have deep therapy session, both of us...ahahahahah

"Kasih tau aku kalau kamu udah siap buka hati. 

Bahkan kalau kamu siap bukanya buat orang lain."

- for showing me that love means patience

Slow sunday morning

I guess I get to the point of accepting the fact that I don't know a lot of things about myself.
Thought I wouldn't, but then I did.
Thought I'll be okay, and it wouldn't mean much, but it did and I'm not okay.

but, basic rules apply.
I will never do something my heart knows is doing other people harm, even if they don't know it.
and no matter how painful and hard it gets, I will never be the first to tell how I feel.
not sure if it's my ego or it's a deffense mechanism from more pain.

ga enak banget.
ga bisa ngomong.
dan kalau diomongin, pain, confusion, and disappoitment are unavoidable.

all because of this ramen, which I never had till the end...
I wish I didn't ask for a way home.