Walking Contradiction

It's been 2 months since I last posted anything, and it's also been 2 months of me working as the medical supervisor in Sumba Foundation.

It still feels surreal to say it out loud, since never once did it cross my mind to work in a NGO, never once did I plan to work in Sumba, even for my internship.
Especially when on 1st day of 2021, I got covid and some personal issues, I remembered not looking forward to anything in this year.
Little did I know, 2021 would bring so many surprises, new people, and also new experiences.

Well, I can't mention one by one what's been going on these past 2 months.
But, some snippets :

 

"Bahagia itu kita yang rasa, Ibu. Jadi terserah orang mau bilang apa, selama kita tidak ganggu kehidupan mereka, ya jalani saja. Saya tidak ganggu ko punya urusan, jangan ganggu saya punya."

~ Then I was put in silence after hearing that, for an overthinker like me, that was a brave statement to take.

"Dapat aku kau di sana? Bukannya di sana sama aja kayak dokter puskesmas? Nanti ga mau jadi klinisi?"

~ ...

"Berat banget, Mam. Ngerasa dijadiin orang jahat saat yang kau lakukan bener-bener buat orang lain, cuman gara-gara kau kerjanya di swasta."

"Kalau kau ga bahagia, resign aja. Di mana aja kau kerja, pasti kayak gitu. Apalagi kau kerja di swasta. Jangan pikir kau kerja untuk nolong orang lain. Pikirkan kau kerja untuk dirimu sendiri, semua yang kau kerjakan itu untuk dirimu."

~ When you meant to vent and complain to your too-rational, problem-solving Mom.
When all you needed was actually accepting ears and some reassurance, ahahahahahah.

Dang! I finished my freaking coass saat masalah personal aku jadi konsumsi publik, saat omongan yang ga benar tentang aku disebar, saat all I wanted to do was leaving all of it behind.
I was the MVP of those years, not gonna let that title got wasted on this one.
I'm not backing off, not until I got what's meant for me. Be it pengalaman untuk bisa punya lembaga aku sendiri natinya, be it koneksi sama peneliti-peneliti dari luar, be it SMB. Apa aja yang emang Bapa simpan buat aku di Sumba.

~

A friend : "Kenapa kamu mau nikah cepat?"
Me : "Memangnya mau tunggu apa lagi?"

~

"Aku lagi di masa yang aku sendiri ga ngerti. Kenapa saat aku makin bulat mau nikah, makin banyak yang datang di kehidupan aku, yang ada-ada aja. Kayak bener-bener makin deket ke akhir tahun, makin ada-ada aja. Jadi aku ga ngerti. Satu sisi aku tau aku mau nikah. Satu sisi aku capek lihat yang datang ada-ada aja."

~

"Ya, emang belum waktunya aja. Kita dua sama-sama punya sesuatu yang kita harapkan, aku 4 tahun, kamu 3 tahun. Emang belum waktunya aja."

~

"Tebak aku buatin apa."

~

 

Conscious Decisions💫❤

Hello everyone. 😊

It's already 3 weeks since I last wrote a post.
Last time I did, I was in Jakarta, just finished my ACLS training and was about to have great holiday experieces.

I did feel like that time in Jakarta was a full-circle moment for me.
Because last time I was in Jakarta was when all the changes in my personal and professional life started happening.
So, it's almost a 3-year long 'circle'...ahahahha

I can't mention them one by one, but I pretty much 'relived' all the experiences I had in 2018 but now from a much better point of view, much better self-awareness, and much love internally and externally speaking.

Now that I'm back again in Sumba, but for another reason now, we're done with the internship program. :)
I just really wanna tell myself, that whatever I choose (good or bad), there's always gonna be someone(s) being not 'a fan' of it.
And that's okay.
I swear I've lived through it since leaving dentistry, choosing to take a month off from clinical term for a seminar, and now another personal choice.


And I've always been discreet about my personal choices because I know not everyone has the best intention when asking me about them, so it is I who have to be 'wise' enough to know who gets to know what.

Other than that, to also be present.
Like take one thing at a time.
To know that I don't have to have it all and know it all at one time.
And believe that it'll all work out for my good.
 

Adulthood is not that 'fun' because now you're fully responsible for all your decisions and actions.
It's kinda scary but so are the rides in DUFAN, yet still I love 'em. 😂

so...I guess here's to another phase of life. 💫

❤ G

 

f r 3 a k

 hello everyone.
I feel like it's been long since I last post anything.

any way, I just wanna past by to post this song...
and at the same time letting you know, that life is full of  beautiful surprises worth keep-going on for.

and that no such thing as coincidence.

NONE.

hope we all find our very own freak.

👄💜

22:22

do you believe in coincidence?

honestly speaking, at this point, I believe there's no such thing as coincidence.

like everything that's happening is like a bunch of dots or wires that are actually connecting to one another to create an end-result that no one actually knows what.
it seems like gambling, risking a lot of things, but at the same time that's the beauty in it.
no one actually knows, so might as well do what you have long dreamt of, might as well risk it all to live the life you've always desired.

I told Mom this :

"I'm at the age where I'm not actually that young.
 I'm mature enough now, legally, financially, and emotionally.
At the same time I AM STILL YOUNG enough, to do things freely, to build my dream life, to try new stuffs.
It's exciting, yet scary at the same time."

Any way, I'm going back home next week.
I know, right?
9 months really went by in just a sec... I mean everything felt passing by so fast after January, after the month my friends and I contracted Covid-19. ahahahahah

I remember feeling so sick of being down with the virus that I just wasn't looking forward to anything in this 2021.
Like how can I start the year with Covid? Like literally on the 1st day of the year....ahhaahhaha

But, my oh my, little did I know 2021 would be filled with a lot of surprises.
New people, new experinces, new skills, new colleges, ahahahahha.

One thing I wanna hold on tightly (other that personal devotional time) is what Mom says to me before closing this internship chapter and starting new one : 

" Lewati satu-satu,Nang.

Kalau kau udah milih, pegang teguh pilihanmu.

Biasa itu ada ujian di awal-awal, untuk ngetes teguh gak kau sama pilihanmu.

Ingat pasti ada susahnya, dan biasanya di awal bakal susah, sebelum dia jadi mudah.

Tapi jangan cepat bilang ini 'buruk/sial' atau ini 'baik/untung'.

Jalani aja semuanya.

Percaya Tuhan selalu beserta di kondisi bagaimana pun, sesenang atau sekelam apa pun kondisinya.

Kalau lagi berat kali, jangan nyerah, jalani terus. 

Karna Alam Semesta itu ngasih jalan kalau kita tetap terus jalanin."

words from a mother to her beloved, (sometimes) crazy, full-of-dreams daughter.

 

here we go (again)

well...internship will be finished in jus two months.
and I thought choosing internship place was hard, but deciding what to do after intership is way harder.

The possibilities and options are just numerous and there really is no right or wrong choice, it's just which one you're willing to accept the risks and benefits 'more' wholeheartedly.

and that's just not an easy call to make.

Besides, I feel like I have this inclination to 'choose' things that most people won't agree with, or simply would think I'm making a bad bargain.

But just like every other 'frown-upon' decisions I've made, although I made it with a lot questions in my heart, still I did it.
and here we are now.

All this covid situation is really getting 'out-of-hand'.
I really do hope we all stay safe and healthy.

Can you believe it? we're actually living in a future history!
What a time to be alive!

 

While we're at it...

 

 Me : "Kita tinggal 2 setengah bulan lagi loh woi!" 

Riri : "Sedih..." 

Adel : "Pasti kehilangan kalinya sama kebiasaan-kebiasaan kita, karna selalu 24 jam sama-sama." 

 

 

Hi, everyone.
2021 seem to be going swiftly when my friends and I can easily recall how we started the first day of the year, with covid 19....ahahahah

Riri : "...kita yang kalau ada masalah, diam, simpan dalam hati, masuk kamar."

Me : "Hahahahah...Tapi aku ngerasa aku lebih belajar tentang 'sayang sama orang' selama aku sendiri ini, sama temen dan sahabat, terutama dari internship kita ini, dari kita yang serumah. Aku belajar sayang itu memberi, ga masalah orang yang kira beri itu membalas atau enggak. Aku ngerti sekarang kenapa mamakku bisa bangun tiap pagi buat masak makanan buat kami."

Salah satu hal yang aku pelajari dan sadari banget akhir-akhir ini adalah kasih atau rasa sayang itu sifatnya memberi, willingly and not asking anything in return.

It is true that love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or boastful or proud. It keeps no record of being wronged.

Karna dulu, dari hubungan" pacaran yang aku jalani, aku sempat berpikir konsep cinta itu kayak barter.
Aku kira aku harus kasih sesuatu dulu baru bisa diberi 'kasih'.
And that is ego and not love.

I also learn that in every relationship we have, including friendship, housemate-ship, etc, it all takes commitment, to keep on loving someone even when he/she is not so lovable at the moment, even when he/she drives us mad.

Agak aneh jujur the fact that I learn more about love, being loved, and giving love to everyone around me in my singleness.
And I guess this is the answer to what I asked for when I was still in a relationship, a time to know and improve myself more, a time to love and understand my friends and people around me more, a time to grow into an independent woman emotionally, financially, and in her overall life.

So yeah...while we're at it, still in this program, still have all my time and attention for myself and people around me (at the moment my housemates, my friends), let's make the most out of it.

Karna untuk segala sesuatu ada waktunya.
So this is what we have right now, it won't last forever, and won't last for long.

 

I see what He showed me

hi bloggies..

I wish I could just tell how this prayer and fasting has been...but honestly it's been beyond what I thought of.

it's so weird that I feel like more open this lately, I feel like I am more confident and more free to be me.
It's not like I have been witheld by my parents or anyone in particular, it's just I am braver now to voice my self, to do what I want, to even post what I want.

Honestly, i really don't know what it is that makes me reach this point.
But if you knew how I was back in medical school, I was so scared to be all that I am, I was always concerned of crossing the social boundries in where I lived, I lived so safely and by the rules of others, that this new feelings start feeling like chains being broken open.

And ugh....we're in the mid term of the year...and I can say so many changes have taken place, more that  could ever imagined.

And Abba...
I know You gave me the visions....and I know if You showed me, You're gonna make it come through.
I don't need to know how, where, when, I'm just gonna keep my heart in Your Presence and do what you ask from me at the moment.
I know You are mighty.
I know You are faithful.
I know You are my good, good Father.

Hold me Father, to be strong and courageous in doing what You've called me to do.
All my ways and life are Yours.
Be it for You Glory.

Sesuatu di Sumba

 Hei, everyone.

I hope y'all are doing wonderful in life.
Pengen cerita tapi kayak ga tau mau mulai dari mana, 
karna udah terlalu banyak yang terjadi.

Yang aku tau, bener-bener ga ada yang kebetulan, bahkan orang yang kita temui, kontak kita dimana aja, mereka ga kebetulan 'dipertemukan' sama kita. Ada sesuatu yang dititipkan ke dia untuk 'dibawakan' ke kita.

Other than that, untuk 3 bulan ke depan, 3 bulan terakhir masa iship aku di Sumba, aku mau makin fokus ke self-improvements, latihan jiwa, latihan keterampilan, makin mandiri.

I know this sounds so weird, tapi di doa-puasa kali ini, aku ngerasa 'diminta' untuk keep everything low. Since, aku suka banget main story WA and just blab or share silly things there.
So, 21 hari ke depan, well tinggal 19 hari lagi sih, I won't be uploading anything in WA stories nor IG stories.

Other than that, aku bener-bener pengen fit phisically.

Bukan karna ada orang komentari fisik aku atau apa, NO. ahahhaha

It's just I feel like I owe it to myself buat jadi versi terbaik diri aku, termasuk phisically, taking care of it, being mindful on what I put inside my body, and working out.

Although yeah I do have a certain weight yang aku mau, tapi itu untuk pendorongnya. Biar lucu aja gitu, kalau nyebut berat badan angka depannya berubah...kan kebanggaan tersendiri aja gitu ;)

Pernah ga sih kamu ngerasa jatuh cinta, sama hidup?

Like you just love your life, simply and fully.

Kayak, kamu tahu keadaan ga selamanya menyenangkan, orang-orang di sekitar kita ga selamanya sejalan, sepikir, bisa diajak senang-senang, somehow still you love it, all of it.

Aku ga bilang keadaan sekarang sempurna...tapi aku punya pemahaman, penerimaan, dan keinginan untuk terus ngebuka kejutan-kejutan yang udah disiapkan di hidup aku.

Now,  hal baru yang bikin aku excited adalah being financially independent.
I never knew it would feel this liberating.
Walau ini bukan pertama kali aku ngasilin uang sendiri, cuman this time emang kerasa beda, karna benar-benar 'independent'.

Seneng bisa punya tanggung jawab bayar tagihan di rumah, walau ga sesuatu yang besar banget, tapi it makes me feel like I am contributing to my family. :')
Seneng banget bisa beliin barang-barang buat Mamak-Bapak-Cia.
Seneng bisa kasih ke orang lain tanpa khawatir akan kebutuhan aku.
Seneng bisa beliin diri barang-barang yang dulu aku masukin ke wishlist aja, sekarang udah bisa kasih ke diri sendiri, dari hasil kerja sendiri.
Dan seneng dengan segala hal yang aku lakukan, aku masih bisa mikirin buat masa depan aku, invest dengan cara terbaik yang aku siap terima risikonya.

Well, ingat ga sih aku pernah minta sama Bapa di 2017 kalau aku mau jadi wanita yang berdaya dan mandiri, secara keseharian, emosional, and finansial. Now, it all feels like He is answering and making me become one step by step.
Semua kejadian membentuk aku untuk bisa jadi wanita yang aku impikan dan doakan.

Other than that,

doa dan puasa kali ini emang aku tujukan untuk peneguhan dalam pengharapan.
Karna 3 bulan terakhir bener-bener banyak banget hal baru dan sempat bikin aku goyah sama apa yang aku doakan, apa yang aku imani.

So yeah....until June 14th, we'll see what big, unexpected, miraculous things Abba's gonna do.

 

Dear Edys,

Please, don't overthink everything. 

Please let new people come in your life without questioning their motives.

Trust that the universe always brings the right ones for the right purposes in your life.

Some may become lessons, some may become cherished relations.

Just like what B said, "you and I know trust issue is not a good thing."

And you know exactly what it brings to you both 🥲🙃

Dang, if someone new, out of the blue, can bring such crucial lessons like this....I wish I had learnt it long before he came into my life.

So he didn't have to end up being a lesson.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat.

🥲

Dear Abba

Abba,

is this even real?

I am not dreaming, am I?

How did the story flip just like that?

How did someone just come in my life and make me feel again, make me wanna know more again, make my heart rush, smiling so widely, giggling on every text received, feeling anxious on an incoming call?

How?

How did someone just come when I thought I wouldn't be able to heal from such deep pain and bad things?

Abba,  

I went through a lot of pain, but I know now I didn't walk by my own going through that, You've always been with me.

Bless my life Abba and use it for all Your glory and to be Your vessels to other people.

Good night,Abba.🙏🏼

Good night,  unexpected plot twist. 🥲🥰

55555

 Hi, everyone.

Aneh banget rasanya aku milih judul post pertama setelah 2 bulan off malah angka doang.

Tapi emang akhir-akhir ini, aku sering banget 'dapet' angka kembar.

Paling heran tuh pas dinas lihat jam 55555....

I was shook.

Any way,

where to start ya..

I really don't have the right words to actually describe one by one how life has been.

But what I know is that, I keep in my heart what Mom told me before leaving for Sumba, NTT, that 

"Kalau Tuhan izinkan kau pergi internship di November, dan dapat NTT, berarti ada yang Tuhan siapkan di sana untukmu. Pergilah, Nang."

Now, I really enjoy my work place at the moment, the emergency room at the hospital.

Yeah my schedule is packed and surely I feel tired after my shift, but working in the ER gives me a sense of hmmm what's the right word yah... accomplishment, it's like I actually see how the treatment given is affecting the patient, improving his condition, which is such a pleasure for me.

There's so many things yang kayaknya bakal dibilangin sebagai 'keberuntungan' kalau aku cerita ke temen-temen aku.
But, I know for sure all of these 'lucks' are God's blessing and provision for me.

Somehow, I have never felt more alive, more grateful, more on purpose, even when I still don't know what I'm gonna do after the end of this year, like will I pursue my education, will I take work contract for another year or two, or will I take the civil servant recruitment test, or will I get married.

There's this sense that everything is already taken care of.
That Abba already has something for me.
And what He has for me is the best.

It is so weird...all this 'trusting Him and letting Him work in my life' feels like it has been taken to another level. 

And ughh... 

I finally made my own podcast, it's called OVERDOS.
The name was actually Nayas' idea...and this bitch has the nerve to tell me dia belum denger karna dia ga install Spotify di HP nya -_-"

Sebenernya, apa bedanya blog ama Overdos?

Well, sama-sama aku maksudkan buat share hal-hal yang menurut aku worth sharing about, atau setidaknya beri sudut pandang yang lain ke orang.

Walau most of the times bakalan ada sharing personal life, yang juga sebenarnya ga sedetail kehidupan nyatanya, because I value secrecy, privacy, and accountability.

Bedanya, ya di podcast I can actually vocalize it, like how I would ke temen deket aku, ke sahabat aku.
And I feel like my personality is conveyed more finely through podcast.

Other than that....

SUMBA has been full of surprises.

Or should I say life has been full of surprisingly beautiful things and feelings.

So ya...stay safe everyone..

And hopefully this stormy weather pass by quickly.

little pass-over moments

P.S.

and then I was swept away,

by his politeness and simply himself.

thought I'd fall for a laid-back, casual, your-hangout-buddy type.

turnt out I've fallen for a simple one, who makes me feel honored and respected.

ahahahha...

it's funny how you finally realized what you deserve after long time of being treated poorly.

shifted 🔁

 Hello, everyone.

It's February already, January was filled with unexpected news and also new experiences for me.

I just wanna pass by and say I'll be taking some time off.

Primarily, because February is a busy month packed with me finishing administrative stuff in my current work place and also moving to another one. 

Secondly, I really just wanna focus on working on myself, personally, academically, relationally.

It might take a month, three months, or even 6 months after I finish my internship.

But no matter how long it takes, I'mma make sure I do my best for me.

Hopefully when I'm back, there'll be new stories, new lessons, new people worth sharing about.

Stay safe. ☺️

In whatever you're facing right now, know that He is with you there.

It might not feel like it right now.

But it will make sense in time, HIS TIMING. ⏳

Happy Sunday ☺️

I will never know how my life will be,

but I know I'm safe in His Hands 

"Terimakasih, Yesus.

Engkau sangat baik, teramat baik bagiku." 🙏🏼✨

struggles

baru 10 hari 2021....
rasanya aku udah 'not looking forward' to the rest of the year.

bukan karna aku positif covid dan aku ga terima keadaanku.

it's just, after more than a week of being isolated, routines got more and more plain, life feels like another day spent exactly the same.

now, the hard part is hubungan pribadi aku sama Bapa.
this one is realy hard karna aku sampai di titik ngerasa ga tau apa yang mau aku harapkan.
Like...losing hope is one thing...not hoping is another thing.

I am not hoping for anything.
Like anything.

And it's scary and wrong since hope should be one of the core pillars, other than faith and love.

cuman...aku kayak mau bilang...

"God this hoping thing is really hard at the moment. 
It is.
It's hard to keep hope when I already feel so stagnant with my life.
It's hard to keep hope when I don't feel like talking to anyone about this, my struggles.
It's hard to keep hope after all that life had brought me.

It's easier to just, you know, numb it all.
Ga berharap."

c o n s e q u e n c e s 🔁

hello everyone.

since I'm on isolation, I have more time to write and luckily in my isolation hospital, the reception is way better. 🙏🏼☺️

kepikiran deh tentang kasus video 9/19 detik artis. (tergantung dapat yang durasi berapa kalau kata temen aku) 🙃

sejujurnya, aku pribadi ga pernah lihat videonya, karna aku tau yang begitu malah bakal mancing keingintahuan, and I know myself well untuk ngerti aku ga perlu 'mencobai' diriku sendiri. 🙃✌🏼

Yang bikin aku kepikiran bukan videonya, tapi kata-kata temen aku.

Maria : "Lihat lah Bor story si *, ayat-ayat gitu diuploadnya. Kayaknya dia lagi sedih kali."

Me : "Iyalah, Bor. Kalau sampai kayak gitu."

Maria : "Tapi mau gimana, udah konsekuensinya."

This struck me, karna aku keinget kata-kata Mama Laura dulu selalu bilang ke aku :

"Apa pun yang kau lakukan, itu pasti ada konsekuensinya, Nang.

Mau itu yang baik. Atau itu yang buruk.

Tapi kau harus siap menghadapinya.

Itu namanya bertanggung jawab."

Karna dulu aku hidupnya serampangan sama pilihan-pilihanku dan aku ga bener dalam mempertimbangan konsekuensi dan ga berpikir tentang mempertanggung jawabkannya, so when 'the universe' puts me in the exam, it was a real one dan bener-bener bikin sadar.

Yang aku pelajari adalah, segala hal yang kita buat punya konsekuensi.

Ngomong ini gampang dan gampang banget nganggap remehnya. 

Karna aku dulu yang kayak gitu. 

Cuman maksud konsekuensi ini bukan cuman yang aku lakukan hari ini, yang besoknya banget aku dapat 'akibatnya'.

Karna kayaknya dulu aku cuman berpikir tentang efek jangka pendek.

But in real life, and most of the time, consequences datangnya belakangan, sama kayak penyesalan.

Konsekuensi makanan dan gaya hidup yang aku pilih di usia 20-30an bakal nentuin kesehatan aku di usia 50an.

Konsekuensi gaya hidup, pengelolaan uang, pengaturan prioritas aku selama masih single, bakal mempengaruhi banget nasib keluarga dan anak-anak aku nantinya.

Konsekuensi omongan yang aku izinin masuk ke pikiran dan hati aku, bakal mempengaruhi life-defining choices yang akan aku buat.

What I'm trying to say is to really live in the moment is a good thing.

But living in the moment and not considering how this will affect your future is an act of foolishness.

Lebih dari itu, yang hebat bukan yang berani melakukan sesuatu.

Tapi yang berani mempertanggung jawabkannya. ✨🙏🏼

Kalau kata Mama Laura :

"(Perempuan hebat itu yang) tetap berdiri tegak dengan wajah menghadap ke depan menjalani hidupnya."

Hoping for the best untuk semua yang terlibat, terutama wanita yang menghadapinya. ✨🙏🏼

n a n g i s 😭

 ini suatu kegoblokan sih....

tapi aku nangis waktu sadar banyak yang sayang sama aku.

temen-temen yang kasih semangat.

bahkan Om Ojek andalan juga peduli banget sama aku.

Aku mo nangis....

Well salah, aku nangis....

Tuhan kasih Edys banyak orang yang sayang dan peduli sama Edys.

Saat Edys kira Edys bukan siapa2 di hidup orang-orang.

😭😭😭😭😭😭