kon· vér· sa· syon 💕

me : "Jadi aku mutusin untuk ga pergi ke situ lagi."

Oli : "Why so sudden?"

me : "It's not so sudden, actually. Aku udah mikirin ini dari acara natalan kita kemarin. It's not like I suddenly condemn it, it's just...."

Oli : "What good can come out of place like that."

me : #Amazed cuz' she just read my mind 💖

***

As I take more care on myself, and by that, also taking 'real conscious' care on what I do, what I choose, and what I let people do to me, my reaction on some stuff also changes, that includes my view on things, how I conduct myself.

And I think most of it is due to :

1. I have a mother who fully supports, loves, and accepts me.

She lets me explore my choices, and helps me navigate through them, even if my choice is actually not "fully approved" by her.

That way, I learn to make better choices for me.

2. Really just what I let get inside of my head, this includes music I listen to, youtube I watch, or even conversation I have with others.

Bacause really our doing is just a reflection of what we believe in, what we beieve in is the reflection of what we hear, watch, and put inside ourselves.

so yeah..

have better, more stimulating, and nurturing conversation.

S A V O R I N G 💫

Konnichiwa 
#EfekDipanggilGeradiseu

Hmm... about some days ago, I got some flashbacks and ephipanies.

It was around October when Mai was about to leave for good for her internship and just some time after that Oli  had to go back to Papua due to some reasons.

I remember telling Mai at that time : 

"Mai, aku takutlah kalau kam pergi iship.
Aku takut aku jatuh lagi"

Now, as I'm reaching the end point of my medical school life, to be precise my clinical term, I realise that :

Nothing lasts forever,
so savor every moment of it.

Savoring the happy part of it is easy, but to be able to also savor the pain, the hurt, the challenges life throws in your way, that's the real stuff.

"Aku ga mau sedih ngingat kenyataan kalau kita ga sama-sama lagi sekarang Mai, secara fisik.

Aku ga mau itu mencuri kebahagiaan dan rasa syukurku buat apa yang udah kita lewati bersama"

"Jadi, kalau sekarang aku lagi bisa sama-sama Oli di siklus ini, aku mensyukurinya, 

gimanapun keadaannya.

 Kalau sekarang aku lagi sibuk belajar sama tim UKMPPD-ku, aku juga mensyukurinya. 

Karna aku tahu ga bakal selamanya kayak gini. 

Jadi aku harus ngejalanin yang ada sekarang dengan sebaik-baiknya, 

jadi ga akan nimbulin kecewa di waktu depan."

***

I realised one of the biggest mistakes I made was rushing things.

Doing things when it wasn't the right time to do it, not waiting on God's timing, rushing to 'get things done' but not savoring bit by bit of the moment.

At the end, I ended up losing, more than what I think I'd gained.

It's like getting a whole cake, and because you are too excited, you eat the whole cake in one moment. 

At the end it leaves you with a stomach ache,and you barely remember the real taste of it. 

You missed the texture and the moisture of the cake,the chewy, soft caramel sauce. 

Instead you only can say "It tasted sweet.", 

or worse 'it tasted good."

***

So, although at the moment I'm still figuring out how to manage my time, with this last clinical rotation exams, UKMPPD preparation/ group-studying, disrupted sleep-schedule, coping with the stress in a good way that won't hurt me nor people around me, playing with missed friends, and doing devotional time intentionally and wholeheartedly, I will remind myself to savor every bit of the moment of this time, to live more in the moment, to only have  "today's trouble for today."

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thank u, next 💋

January has passed.
And I just couldn't wait for it to pass.
Like, January 2020 just felt like a whole lot of everything.

I don't know about you.
But for me, it felt like that.
In personal life, study life, all the world's news.
Just a whole lot.

So as we are entering February 2020, I'd like to send a prayer to Abba.

"Abba, thank you for January.
Though I felt like I was beaten up by confusion and anxiety, I learnt what kind of person I really am.

Almost all of us are shocked and saddened by the lost of Kobe and Gigi Bryant, but that thought us the gift we have been receiving but haven't really appreciated enough, which is our family coming back home safe to us.

Although, the world is dying with weapons and missiles, and even new virus' outbreaks, I pray that You still put hope and calling in Your Children to bring peace, change, and hopes to others.

And...although I don't know what's coming in the future, please hold me and strengthen me in this journey.

I pray that You always bless all my friends....my beloved friends who kindly accept me.

And I thank You for giving me Bapak-Mamak-Cia, bestfriends, close friends, colleagues, even for every expired relationship, friendship, and even dark feeling that I had, I sincerely thank You and praise You, for I grew through each one of those.

Abba, please remind me of Your Grace and hold me in doing my calling. 🙏🏼💞🌄