Take my time

"Take your time, Gladys.
  You're still young.
  Don't rush anything. 
  Ask yourself what you really wanna do in life, what you see yourself doing in the next 10 years.
  Find the information you need, spend more time to cave in and have a taste of everything.
  Really use your gut feeling.
  We'll talk about this in 2 months." 

I thought quarter-life crisis had already passed when last year I had to decide what I was gonna do after internship.
Then it's almost one year of me working as a fully independent GP, I am facing the same situation. 

You know what they say about paradox of choice, when you have more options, rather than feeling happy that you'll get what you want, instead you feel more perplexed and stressed in making the call, compared to when you only have fewer choices.

Now, that's exactly what I'm feeling.
My inner circle is very supportive to anything that I choose.
I am not bound to anything or anyone, not in sense that I have this obligation to stick to anything or else I'll have some kind of penalty.

But after that talk with Claus, I realized one thing that may help my 'taking-time' process, that is 

" I wanna do something that not only gives me the oppurtunity to provide for myslef and people I care for, but also gives me a sense of fulfillment, in my case as a doctor, a sense when I know my knowledge and skill really bring improvements, really help, even more change someone life for the better."

I know this sounds too f*ing cliche.
But honestly, practising medicine never felt this fulfilling before I'm in Sumba Foundation. 
Knowing even as a GP you could do so much more than what your 'salary' can give you, it's something I'd love to continue experiencing and doing.

And even though I still don't know the exact answers to Claus,
but now I know what's my guidance, what it is that I wanna do in the next 10 years.

So, yeah.
I'm blessed beyond measure to have a 'boss' that most of the times, I consider as mentor.
All the crying-at-night because I felt I was not good enough, missing my family and friends in the cities, feeling drained after such hectic days, having to travel to so many remote areas by motorcycle,
they are all worth the life experieces no amount of money can give me, that feeling when you know you make good use of your time, your knowledge, your life.

till the next post,
I'mma take my time to have a taste of everything.
💫 

btw, has a taste of something new this week when I broke my left middle toe. 👍😎

 

N A S A

I feel like I'm in the mood for ranting...
in the middle of all my paper works...ahahahah...why am I the most productive when I'm on a lot of deadlines?!

These last past couple of months, probably since September, I was pretty much in a situation where I was kinda searching for something.
And the universe kinda gets the memo and kept sending me 'things'.
Now, this young lady, as smarty-pant and nerdy as she can be, tetep aja dudul dalam beberapa hal.
So she got to learn some things from all that's been happening but also got herself 'hurt' in the middle.
ahahaah

Things I learn these last 5 months :

1. Real friendship is where we not only sweet talk when our friends feeling down, but ones that call out on your friends when she/he makes mistakes or makes decisions that you know will hurt 'em in the end or are not good for them. One that challanges and supports your growth as the individual that you are.

2. Some things I learnt from these people, whether we're still in contact or not, I'm gonna take these lessons :

G : that loving someone means accepting them wholly, including their past, the bad, good, wonderful, nasty past that made them who they are today.

Y : that marrying someone is not because they're a good cook, or they're good in bed, or they're good with kids. Let me put it how he said it :

"Kamu tu punya 24 jam per hari, Dys. Anggap 8 jam kamu habisin untuk kerja, 8 jam lagi untuk istirahat, dan kamu punya sisa 8 jam lagi. Memangnya 8 jam itu mau kamu habisin di kamar terus, atau masak terus, atau ngurus anak terus? Enggak kan?! Kebanyakan dari 8 jam itu, kamu cuman ngabisin cerita. Jadi, menikahlah sama orang yang kamu nyaman cerita sama dia."

 

aku cuman terdiam waktu dia bilang gitu.

P : for being a condiment I never saw coming, but spiced up my life, that I got teary, ahahahah. And ugh, for making me see that when a man loves you, he accepts and appreciates your dreams and aspirations, not looking down on them, nor questioning them. That 'providing' for the family is a man's main part, and it's never wrong to ask for 'provision'. That sometimes, a different background is really fun for both parties, although you both gotta translate some work-related things to each other.
And for once again giving me the chance to prove the kind of lady that I am, in a situation where I have to choose between what's right and what's desired.

3. Ask and you will receive.

I was always the type of girlfriend who wouldn't want to 'burden' my partner to pay for my meals or anything.
But now I see, me working and getting my shits together,
I feel like saying "So tell me boy what are you bringing to the table?"
If they're only 'feelings' and confusion, without commitment, real goals, and tangible evidences (a.k.a the material things), than I better sit by myself until someone comes to table with 'em.

4. Taking pesan Bapak not just to heart but also action now.

I remember when I was preparing for UKMPPD, Bapak sat down on the dining table with me and Cia, and he said :

"Kakak, nanti kalau udah kerja, jangan buru-buru lansung nikah. 
Nikmati dulu uang kakak.
Pergi jalan-jalan, beli baju kakak, bedak kakak."

It's not that when I was doing my internship I didn't use my money for my own pleasures.
But sure, it feels different now, having your own money with different title and 'real' responsibility.
It feels gratifying, knowing that the money you make is from a toil and that your work actually brings impacts on other people's lives.

5. Live my live fully HERE and NOW.

This year's 'word of the year' from Transformation Church is not a word, but a phrase,
"HERE IS HOLY".

Well, I just found that out like last week.
What a coincidence, when I have been thinking and feeling that I hadn't been living fully my 'here' and 'now'.
Like because I was on my search for something, I forgot that what's in front of me now is no regular thing, that I should tend and take care of my now better.

Like as an OG overthinker and planner, thinking about the future always excites that Virgo side of me.
But, gotta learn how to enjoy now and make the best out of it.

I guess that's all...
Gotta get back to my paper works, for I wanna spend my weekend with Oli 'paper-work free".
We 'bout to have deep therapy session, both of us...ahahahahah

"Kasih tau aku kalau kamu udah siap buka hati. 

Bahkan kalau kamu siap bukanya buat orang lain."

- for showing me that love means patience

Slow sunday morning

I guess I get to the point of accepting the fact that I don't know a lot of things about myself.
Thought I wouldn't, but then I did.
Thought I'll be okay, and it wouldn't mean much, but it did and I'm not okay.

but, basic rules apply.
I will never do something my heart knows is doing other people harm, even if they don't know it.
and no matter how painful and hard it gets, I will never be the first to tell how I feel.
not sure if it's my ego or it's a deffense mechanism from more pain.

ga enak banget.
ga bisa ngomong.
dan kalau diomongin, pain, confusion, and disappoitment are unavoidable.

all because of this ramen, which I never had till the end...
I wish I didn't ask for a way home.

Walking Contradiction

It's been 2 months since I last posted anything, and it's also been 2 months of me working as the medical supervisor in Sumba Foundation.

It still feels surreal to say it out loud, since never once did it cross my mind to work in a NGO, never once did I plan to work in Sumba, even for my internship.
Especially when on 1st day of 2021, I got covid and some personal issues, I remembered not looking forward to anything in this year.
Little did I know, 2021 would bring so many surprises, new people, and also new experiences.

Well, I can't mention one by one what's been going on these past 2 months.
But, some snippets :

 

"Bahagia itu kita yang rasa, Ibu. Jadi terserah orang mau bilang apa, selama kita tidak ganggu kehidupan mereka, ya jalani saja. Saya tidak ganggu ko punya urusan, jangan ganggu saya punya."

~ Then I was put in silence after hearing that, for an overthinker like me, that was a brave statement to take.

"Dapat aku kau di sana? Bukannya di sana sama aja kayak dokter puskesmas? Nanti ga mau jadi klinisi?"

~ ...

"Berat banget, Mam. Ngerasa dijadiin orang jahat saat yang kau lakukan bener-bener buat orang lain, cuman gara-gara kau kerjanya di swasta."

"Kalau kau ga bahagia, resign aja. Di mana aja kau kerja, pasti kayak gitu. Apalagi kau kerja di swasta. Jangan pikir kau kerja untuk nolong orang lain. Pikirkan kau kerja untuk dirimu sendiri, semua yang kau kerjakan itu untuk dirimu."

~ When you meant to vent and complain to your too-rational, problem-solving Mom.
When all you needed was actually accepting ears and some reassurance, ahahahahahah.

Dang! I finished my freaking coass saat masalah personal aku jadi konsumsi publik, saat omongan yang ga benar tentang aku disebar, saat all I wanted to do was leaving all of it behind.
I was the MVP of those years, not gonna let that title got wasted on this one.
I'm not backing off, not until I got what's meant for me. Be it pengalaman untuk bisa punya lembaga aku sendiri natinya, be it koneksi sama peneliti-peneliti dari luar, be it SMB. Apa aja yang emang Bapa simpan buat aku di Sumba.

~

A friend : "Kenapa kamu mau nikah cepat?"
Me : "Memangnya mau tunggu apa lagi?"

~

"Aku lagi di masa yang aku sendiri ga ngerti. Kenapa saat aku makin bulat mau nikah, makin banyak yang datang di kehidupan aku, yang ada-ada aja. Kayak bener-bener makin deket ke akhir tahun, makin ada-ada aja. Jadi aku ga ngerti. Satu sisi aku tau aku mau nikah. Satu sisi aku capek lihat yang datang ada-ada aja."

~

"Ya, emang belum waktunya aja. Kita dua sama-sama punya sesuatu yang kita harapkan, aku 4 tahun, kamu 3 tahun. Emang belum waktunya aja."

~

"Tebak aku buatin apa."

~

 

Conscious Decisions💫❤

Hello everyone. 😊

It's already 3 weeks since I last wrote a post.
Last time I did, I was in Jakarta, just finished my ACLS training and was about to have great holiday experieces.

I did feel like that time in Jakarta was a full-circle moment for me.
Because last time I was in Jakarta was when all the changes in my personal and professional life started happening.
So, it's almost a 3-year long 'circle'...ahahahha

I can't mention them one by one, but I pretty much 'relived' all the experiences I had in 2018 but now from a much better point of view, much better self-awareness, and much love internally and externally speaking.

Now that I'm back again in Sumba, but for another reason now, we're done with the internship program. :)
I just really wanna tell myself, that whatever I choose (good or bad), there's always gonna be someone(s) being not 'a fan' of it.
And that's okay.
I swear I've lived through it since leaving dentistry, choosing to take a month off from clinical term for a seminar, and now another personal choice.


And I've always been discreet about my personal choices because I know not everyone has the best intention when asking me about them, so it is I who have to be 'wise' enough to know who gets to know what.

Other than that, to also be present.
Like take one thing at a time.
To know that I don't have to have it all and know it all at one time.
And believe that it'll all work out for my good.
 

Adulthood is not that 'fun' because now you're fully responsible for all your decisions and actions.
It's kinda scary but so are the rides in DUFAN, yet still I love 'em. 😂

so...I guess here's to another phase of life. 💫

❤ G

 

f r 3 a k

 hello everyone.
I feel like it's been long since I last post anything.

any way, I just wanna past by to post this song...
and at the same time letting you know, that life is full of  beautiful surprises worth keep-going on for.

and that no such thing as coincidence.

NONE.

hope we all find our very own freak.

👄💜

22:22

do you believe in coincidence?

honestly speaking, at this point, I believe there's no such thing as coincidence.

like everything that's happening is like a bunch of dots or wires that are actually connecting to one another to create an end-result that no one actually knows what.
it seems like gambling, risking a lot of things, but at the same time that's the beauty in it.
no one actually knows, so might as well do what you have long dreamt of, might as well risk it all to live the life you've always desired.

I told Mom this :

"I'm at the age where I'm not actually that young.
 I'm mature enough now, legally, financially, and emotionally.
At the same time I AM STILL YOUNG enough, to do things freely, to build my dream life, to try new stuffs.
It's exciting, yet scary at the same time."

Any way, I'm going back home next week.
I know, right?
9 months really went by in just a sec... I mean everything felt passing by so fast after January, after the month my friends and I contracted Covid-19. ahahahahah

I remember feeling so sick of being down with the virus that I just wasn't looking forward to anything in this 2021.
Like how can I start the year with Covid? Like literally on the 1st day of the year....ahhaahhaha

But, my oh my, little did I know 2021 would be filled with a lot of surprises.
New people, new experinces, new skills, new colleges, ahahahahha.

One thing I wanna hold on tightly (other that personal devotional time) is what Mom says to me before closing this internship chapter and starting new one : 

" Lewati satu-satu,Nang.

Kalau kau udah milih, pegang teguh pilihanmu.

Biasa itu ada ujian di awal-awal, untuk ngetes teguh gak kau sama pilihanmu.

Ingat pasti ada susahnya, dan biasanya di awal bakal susah, sebelum dia jadi mudah.

Tapi jangan cepat bilang ini 'buruk/sial' atau ini 'baik/untung'.

Jalani aja semuanya.

Percaya Tuhan selalu beserta di kondisi bagaimana pun, sesenang atau sekelam apa pun kondisinya.

Kalau lagi berat kali, jangan nyerah, jalani terus. 

Karna Alam Semesta itu ngasih jalan kalau kita tetap terus jalanin."

words from a mother to her beloved, (sometimes) crazy, full-of-dreams daughter.