well...well at the moment we're waiting for a thorough asessment result of my well-being. am I nervous? yes but do I need to? no
I guess kalau pun hasilnya belum keluar sampai Selasa depan (11 Agustus), I'll definitely find something things to do. Dan belum tentu juga hasilnya belum akan keluar, there are still possibilities that we'll receive the result in coming days and I can start my clinical rotation on Wednesday.
But in whatever it is, hoping everything will come out good. Hoping we all, our school, our system, myself, are learning and improving from this experience. Considering what's currently happening in residency and medical environment in Indonesia.
I guess trusting God also means believing He got my back for even the most unsure conditions. or more precisely for a very complicated, most intertwined ones.
Anyway, for now I'm just gonna use my time to enjoy my own company, and taking more rest while doing what I can do to help my future self....ehehehhe
me: "aku menyadari komitmenku kuat untuk pemulihan diriku, untuk jadikan diriku lebih baik" her: #smile "makanya kamu bounce back lagi.." me: :')
Starting over from your lowest point may feel like moving mountain...impossible to do. but at the same time, you will see just how strong and committed you are to yourself.
selama ini aku pikir, kerja kerasku itu bukti commitment aku ke diriku, disiplinku, kerasnya aku ke diriku. sekarang aku sadar, itu semua trauma response aku ke kejadian masa laluku. itu semua metode proteksi aku akan hal yang aku ga bisa ubah lagi. itu semua metode bertahan hidup aku saat aku dalam fight or flight situation.
Dang! seandainya aku tahu kalau mendoakan "membangun keluarga Kristen yang penuh kasih dan damai" itu berarti harus siap sama prosesnya Tuhan yang dalam kebanyakan waktu sering diluar pikiran, mungkin aku bakal berpikir dua kali.. ahahahha
Tapi mungkin karna Tuhan tahu aku bakal menciut kalau tahu jalannya bakal seperti apa, makanya Tuhan hanya meletakkan visinya, Tuhan ga kasih tahu jalannya... so the journey will require faith on Him to make the miracle happen.
Any way, aku harap suatu saat aku bisa sharing segala hal ini dengan baik dan bisa menguatkan orang yang mungkin find themselves in their darkest, deepest pit. Until that, I will focus on my own commitment, to better myself.
Dear diary, how long have I been in therapy for now? I guess long enough that I can start seeing progress of all the inner work I have done so far
some highlight convos I had with my therapist
Her: "Gladys kamu cuman kasih dirimu waktu tidur 4 jam?!" Me:"Eheheheh..makanya Dokter harus bantu aku..ehehhe."
Her: "Siap-siap, skincare, pergi sekolah. Sarapannya di mana Gladys?" Me : #silence Her: "Ya di siap-siap ya...disempatin sarapannya.."
Her: "Haru presentasi juga ekspektasi ke diri sendiri." Me: "Ouh..harusnya ekspektasi ke luar ya..?" Her: "Kalau ekspektasi keluar, kamu bakalan berantam terus sama lingkunganmu, teman-temanmu." Me: "Aku ga pernah berantam sama teman-temanku." Her: "Iya, karna kamu ekspektasi ke dirimu, jadinya kamu berantam sama dirimu terus." Me: #DalamAti iya lagi...iya lagi...
Her: "Itu kemajuan Gladys." Me: "Iya ya.." Her: "Itu hasil usaha kamu. Kamu juga harus menghargai usahamu sendiri.." Me: #DalamAti iya lagi :')
Untuk segala hal yang Tuhan izinkan terjadi dalam 7 bulan terakhir,
baik yang aku mengerti atau pun tidak, aku percaya Tuhan siapkan untuk segala kebaikanku dan jawaban doa-doaku. Bahkan pengalaman berat dan kelam dalam tahun ini, Tuhan siapkan untuk mengobati semua luka yang aku sendiri tidak mampu sebutkan, ceritakan, sembuhkan sendiri.
thank You for loving me even before I learn to love myself
thank You for never letting me go even through my crazy singleness season that I learnt what You've always intended with relationship
thank You for creating my life in such a way that there's no other explaination than Your hands being in it
thank You for making wait for things I've prayed for, it makes me understand the value of the life I dreamt of, or to be correct the life You've put in my heart
thank You for Victor, this equally crazy, strong-headed man You put in my life
thank You for the love You put in his heart first, and he continues to tend it, until the same seed grows in my heart also
thank You for everything
I wish I didn't spend so much time crying and questioning what You're doing with my life
but experiencing it firsthand, the ups and downs, is so much different from knowing...much more intense, much more perplexing, and sometimes doubting..
I can't tell if right now I'm fully healed or not
what I know is I know myself better now, my emotions, my thoughts.
I understand them better now. Not just the Gladys I paint for other people to see, but the Glados I know deep inside, the true gladys, the one I tried for sooo long to hide, to protect, to paint in certain ways, my ways.
well..well..
if it's not the wandering mind that can't sleep although the body is aching and tired..
until next time,
stay alive and keep on living, bish. I love you, truely...
Me: "Aku merasa kayak aku punya rumah namanya 'Gladys' dan saat ini rumahku lagi dihancurkan sampai ke dasar. Aku ngerasa kayak ga tau yang mana diriku yang sebenarnya yang mana yang mekanisme copingku akan apa yang dulu terjadi atau ego-ku yang lagi ngelindungi aku."
Her: "Iya, Karna kalau rumah catnya bagus tapi fondasinya ga bagus, sama aja, bakal hancur. Samakayak kita mau renovasi rumah tua, harus kita hancurkan semuanya dan mulai daribawah."
Progress, especially inner-work, is never a linear process. There are days when it feels like I am regressing, when I'm actually making improvement looking from a bigger picture, looking at the whole picture.
God, never wish for any of this to happen.
But then again, I did ask for a plot twist, didn't I? ;)
I think it's finally safe enough to slow down and not rush anything,
to let myself be the sassy glados that I am,
to do the small, non-medical things I always thought about, start going to the gym again, taking drum lesson, weekly girls night-out, anything other that only doing residency stuff.
Not to underestimate the program, it's just, focusing solely on it has not done me any good...took a toll on my mental and physical health that I needed to take some time off from it.
Dear diary, if we all hold the power to creat the life we've always dreamnt of, what would be stopping us? ourselves? our self-doubts? or our inner critics?
Anyway, might be crazy-bold end tell the universe what I want and need... or in a more christian way, ask Abba for what I want from my deepest heart.
Me: "Apa bedanya aku yang sekarang dengan yang setelah pulang dari Medan kemarin?" Him: "Beda aja. Kamu sekarang lebih lepas, lebih bahagia kelihatannya. Ga tau apa karena kemarin itu akhirnya menyadari bahwa itu gak enak, atau kenapa." Me: "Hmm, lebih karena aku menyadari bahkan di saat titik terendahku, saat aku benar-benar merasa terhilang, Tuhan melindungi aku, jagai aku. Dan aku tersadar seberapa aku didukung oleh semuanya."
Dear bloggies, It's been quite some time after the last post, isn't it?
I did write in one of 2026 posts asking God to bring new characters into my life, to give me a plot twist. Well, He came through, just like He always does, ahahhahaha And I would love to give Him all the glory, because even though it was heavy, painful, and I felt lost at that time, it forced me to face my own sabotage, to be honest and work towards true self of gladysglados.
I know this will be another long journey, but there's this calmness in my heart, for I know that this chapter will bring out good, because HE is working on my behalf.
anyway, this song popped up in my head out of nowhere. and we all know Hayley's great vocal range.
I always knew that residency was gonna be tough, but boy was I underestimating what tough could mean.
So for now, I'm taking a rest, while doing well-being homework.
One of which is five things I love/admire about Gladys.
Dang, losing your keys is a small, normal thing, but losing yourself, losing sense of who you are a person, losing sights of your dreams and hopes, that's different and definitely not normal.
So meanwhile, I'm gonna list down these traits and while waiting for my mind to calm and see clearly, I'll do the mundane daily stuff, doing the chores, hitting the gym, going out to the cafe, reading, and may be writing, again.
I'd like to chant my fave mantra one more time:
For everything that had happened, I thank You.
For everything that took place today, I thank You.
For everything that the future has for me, I thank You in advance.
Tuhan, makasih udah mengizinkan Edys sekolah lagi. Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan menimba ilmu ini. Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan belajar banyak ini. Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan merasa bodoh, menangis, merasa berat, merasa ga yakin ini. Karena Edys jadi bergantung penuh sama Bapa.
Bapa, buat pintu yang Edys harapkan terbuka untuk Edys. Bapa lah yang membukakannya. Bapalah yang membawa Edys ke ruangan yang Edys doakan, kalau memang itu sesuai rencana dan rancangan Bapa. Edys ga kenal siapa-siapa, Edys ga punya siapa-siapa, dan Edys anak-Mu yang banyak buat salah dalam hal ini. Tapi arahkan, bukakan, sampaikanlah Edys di ruangan itu.
Dalam nama anak-Mu Tuhan Yesus Kristus, Edys nyatakan amin.
Abba, I know that there's no need for one specific time where You're gonna grant all my wishes and wants.
That's clearly not how this christian faith works.
But Abba, if I could knock on your door daily, I'm asking for this: 1. Give me courage, wisdom, and knowledge every day to fulfill this calling You've trusted me with.
2. Please give me a plot twist, new characters in my stories.
3. And can I start a family already? HAHAHAHAHAH, on a serious note, I wanna see how long will it take from me writing this, to tying the knot. He better be everything You've prepared for me, that's all I'm asking.
Anyway, Abba. Thank you for being my partner during today's 12-hour on-call duty. If it wasn't You, I wouldn't be able to do it.
Hang in there, Junior. Berat, iya. Nyerah, jangan.
Nangis, silahkan. Berhenti bekerja, jangan.
I wish I could explain what happended in the past 2 months, but words are not enough, and I don't think I have the mental capacity at the moment to replay each and every story.
But ugh, what I know for sure is that this chapter is one of a kind. Doing residency is nothing like medical school. It's more intense, the responsibility is much bigger, and the train doesn't tolerate slow-paced people.
But if I could leave a note to myself, I'd say...
Dear Edys,
I know that this is hard, and I know you feel exhausted, lost, and sometimes incapable.
But baby girl, this is the kind of war you win just by showing up daily.
You don't need to kill each goliath daily, just show up daily.
Please love yourself.
Stop beating up yourself and ruminating on your mistakes, you're just a student, doing and learning things for the first time.
Take a deep breath.
Pray.
Know that Abba's got your back.
And always have your support system close.
Please don't let the negative talks win.
You have done more than you admit, don't belittle yourself, don't be your worst critique.
when the heart is right, then the way will appear. I guess it took me 29 years to fully acknowledge and understand that.
I feel like so many things in life are in the process of sorting or building at the moment. In the middle of it all, I somehow have this strong belief that great things are taking place. That things will work out even better than what I planned or what I ever dreamt and thought of.
Me : "Apa itu benda tajam, ya?" Ibu : "Hmmm....coba dilihat dari jauh-dekat gambarnya." Me : "Hmmm...Pistol ya, Bu."
***
I've met enough people to say that the world is indeed such a small place, and everyone is connected to everyone.
The other side of the coin is that life is very fleeting, and situations do change as the grass withers and flowers fade.
Never had I imagined being so used to relocating from one place to another. Never had I imagined I would be such a strong-willed, hard-to-defeat person.
Well, well, they say sometimes God shares the end-goal, other times He shares the very next step. The in-between process should be surprises that grow our faith and character for the calling.
Anyway, I promise myself to take drum lessons after I'm done with my studies, or if during the process, I already know my way around, I will take at least one lesson a week.
The final goal is to play Fourth of July by Fall Out Boys. ✌
Is it even a dream if it's not big and scary enough to shake the innermost side of you at least just a wee bit? 😉
I guess after all that has happened this past 1 year, one thing I learn the most is to live in the mean time.
To fully live the current moment yet still working and holding onto hopes for the future.
Weirdly enough, despite the turbulances life throws, these calmness and steadiness are unshakeable. My younger self would have been broken into pieces, turning into despair, and losing faith in the calling or in God's presence.
***
Dan bukan hanya itu saja. Kita malah bermegah juga dalam kesengsaraan kita, karena kita tahu, bahwa kesengsaraan itu menimbulkan ketekunan, dan ketekunan menimbulkan tahan uji dan tahan uji menimbulkan pengharapan. Dan pengharapan tidak mengecewakan, karena kasih Allah telah dicurahkan di dalam hati kita oleh Roh Kudus yang telah dikaruniakan kepada kita.
Roma 5:3-5 TB
3Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5 NIV
***
In the mean time, I am waiting for an answer that will decide the course of not only the other half of this year, but also the rest of my life. Excited for the unknown. Hopeful for new chapters and characthers that may come along.
The long-time creeping question in me has been answered through a series of life experiences.
"God, am I strong enough for this calling You've put in my heart?"
No more guessing, no more doubts.
Yes, I am. Because if God says it, God will make the way, it will come to pass and we will see it through.
The last 5 months have been one of the most fast-changing periods in my life. Not only regarding career or professional life, but also my internal locus.
I never knew how strong, resilient, and deeply rooted I am to my internal values until I faced some unexpected situations. Thought I would fall hard and start questioning my decisions. Instead, I was calm and solution-oriented.
Me: "Aku tuh dulu berpikir, karena Mama dan sepupu deket aku, proses pembentukannya dengan kehilangan orang tua. Aku sempat berpikir, apa aku harus ngelewatin proses itu juga ya untuk pembentukanku. Ternyata enggak. Pikiranku terlalu kecil untuk bisa menebak cara Tuhan."
Her: "Biasanya proses pembentukan itu adalah saat ekspektasi ga sesuai dengan kenyataan. Nah bisa berupa kehilangan orang tua, kegagalan, hubungan asmara yang berakhir. Tapi intinya adalah gimana menghadapi kenyataan yang ga sesuai dengan ekspektasi atau rencana itu."
So, whatever 2025 may bring, I know for sure it's a big change. Not because I know exactly what's coming, but I know I have gone through one of the most transformative situations, and I'm glad to say that what come out of me during this time are desired and tested traits.
Personally, I felt like, "Aghh... my core indeed is pure and unshakeable. Well, guess I had underestimated myself all along." :')
On another note,
I know for sure that having faith doesn't mean you never experience doubts or anxiety. But having faith means you press on because you know He's got this. And even though the storms seem scary, He is in the boat with you; not only that,
He will calm them and ask you to sleep it in because He will get us to the land.
Me: "Kenapa aku harus membuat seolah-olah aku harus sampai di titik tertentu dulu baru aku bisa menikmati hidupku? Kenapa aku merasa baru bisa nulis blog atau bikin podcast lagi kalau aku udah ini atau itu? Padalah sebenarnya, apa pun yang aku lewati sekarang, itu pun bagian dari prosesnya."
Her : "Padahal kalau Mbak Gladys tulisnya nanti, mungkin aja perasaannya udah ga sama lagi, mungkin aja waktunya udah enggak ada, atau bahkan ga ngerasa itu hal yang penting lagi karna ada hal lain lebih penting untuk dikerjakan. Bisa aja kalau Mbak Gladys tulis sekarang, orang lain atau Mbak Gladys sendiri akan mendapat pelajaran dari prosesnya, karna lebih manusiawi."
***
Ibu: "Kalian itu ya, Dek, jangan seperti itu. Ke mana pun kamu pergi akan selalu ada orang yang di atas kamu. Akan ada orang yang di bawah kamu, dan ada yang sama seperti kamu. Tapi kamu tetap harus percaya diri bawa diri kamu..."
***
Bapak: "Nanti kamu nikah di sini aja. Jadi orang sini."
***
Me: "Aneh banget ya, umur segini aku meluruskan pandangan ku akan prinsip ku, apa yang aku mau, apa yang orang tua mau, apa yang aku anggap penting."
Her: "Sebenarnya wajar. Karena kamu ngabisin usia awal 20-an kamu untuk melihat banyak point of view, dari kuliah di Padang, kerja di Sumba, tinggal di Jakarta. Tentunya itu akan mengubah cara pandang kamu. Sekarang tinggal proses mengungkapkannya."
***
A few scattered conversations I had with some people the last month.
I must say that 2024 has been nothing but transformation, realignment, and self-discovery for me. I used to think the top-notch of my 'shaping' experience was working at Sumba Foundation in a remote area with a different cultural background community and challenging health and infrastructure conditions.
But my oh my, that is nothing compared to owning your journey, taking life with all the surprises it brings, and keeping your faith, values, and principles along the way.
So to Glados,
Let's take this journey day by day.
Let's take all the lessons we have for the future we believe God is preparing us for.
And please, LIVE THE MOMENT.
None of this is permanent, and none of this will be repeated.
So live it to the fullest, live it as your first time, live it proudly, live it with all the lessons and questions you still have.
It's your girl, Gladys, who mentioned writing a series on a 2023 kaleidoscope and then showed up 7 months later. hahahhahaha 😆
Any way, I just finished a whole set of exams for residency program, now we just wait for the final result next month. I think about writing this post and making a new long-overdue podcast episode after the result comes out. But then, I realized it would mean pausing my life. When in reality, whatever I'm having at the moment, it is worth celebrating, worth giving credits for.
I had my department interview last Monday, and only after the interview did I realize that I have been doing a lot. I swear, before that, even when I was preparing my CV for the application, I always thought little of myself. Like "Who am I, a general practitioner working for a small NGO in a remote island?" or "They must be looking for doctors with a big-hospital experience." or "Who would take my work experience seriously?"
Only after the interview did I realize I had been thinking so little, so small of myself. :')
Only after that did I realize I have been working in (tropical) infections for so long; even my undergraduate research was on HIV testing programs for pregnant mothers.
Then I joined the Sumba Foundation; at that time, malaria wasn't part of my interest. But then again, it was not only malaria; I've had the chance to understand more about the health system, telemedicine service, leprosy, tuberculosis, even having the chance to care for Hirshprung patients, Coxitis TB patient, a patient with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, one with congenital avascular necrosis on the tibia, even one with osteosarcoma.
"Menurut aku mimpi itu bertumbuh, Dys. Sama kayak kita, mimpi bakal bertumbuh dan berubah seiring proses kita."
Those words could not be any more true.
As we grow, so does our dream. As we course through life, our dreams get sharper and more focused. It may not be something we had imagined or thought for ourselves. But isn't it written:
"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him."
So, with this post, I'm taking the time to tell myself,
"You did great, Dys. Cheers for all the journeys you've taken and to the new ones you're about to start. Wherever God takes you to."
Hello everyone. If my blog was a real person, I would have been the worst bestfriend she had. Coming once in a blue moon, especially in 2023.
Aku pikir quarter life crisis and adulthood akan semakin 'ringan' di setiap bertambahnya usia. Jokes on me. Like who am I kidding. IT DOESN'T. Life in fact gets a lot more complex, with a lot more sides and flavors to it, and clearly all the strings attached. ahahahah
I was texting Mama Laura, telling how I feel lonely after 6 months living alone in Jakarta. While on the other hand, I don't really like crashing for too long at a relative's or a friend's, and coming home to Medan is only great for a maximum of 2 weeks (IYKYK) ahahahhaha
Additionally, at this age, some of my friends already in a marriage, some with kid(s), some are doing schools, overall doing their own lives with their own struggles and hustles.
So it does get lonely from time to time.
Ditambah lagi, aku dengan kepribadian yang ga suka dan ga nyaman untuk cerita sama orang, dan very selective on personal plans and aspirations.
Akhir-akhir ini aku sadar, part of it karna aku sadar our society doesn't really confirm 'diversity of life choices', when many of my life choices have been if not unconventional, questionable.. ahahahahah
Kayak kalau aku boleh bilang ke temen-temen yang sebenernya aku deket tapi aku ga pernah cerita apa-apa kecuali kalau ditanya atau aku ngerasa kondisnya nyaman untuk bercerita:
"It's not you, it's me and my trauma of having to be belittled or questioned for my choices"
So, don't take it personally.
I guess hal yang aku suka dengan 'bertambahnya usia' adalah penerimaan dan pengenalan akan diri yang jauh lebih baik, di samping melihat hidup dari lebih banyak sisi. Other than of course 'the lesser piece of mind' I give for many thingsahahhahaha.
High-school and college-year Gladys would think 2023 Gladys is a badass for this. AHAHAHHAHAHAHA All the overthinking and overplanning sides of VIRGO, with the traits of first-born daughter from a Batak family that doesn't have any boy. So yeah, no wonder ahahahaha.
I'm planning to have a blog series on 2023 kaleidoscope. Not that my 2023 has been all flowers and butterfly, but it's been one of the most life-changing period. So, until the next post my dear bloggie-bestie, Good night.
