commitment

me: "aku menyadari komitmenku kuat untuk pemulihan diriku, untuk jadikan diriku lebih baik"
her: #smile "makanya kamu bounce back lagi.."
me: :')

Starting over from your lowest point may feel like moving mountain...impossible to do.
but at the same time, you will see just how strong and committed you are to yourself.

selama ini aku pikir, kerja kerasku itu bukti commitment aku ke diriku, disiplinku, kerasnya aku ke diriku.
sekarang aku sadar, itu semua trauma response aku ke kejadian masa laluku.
itu semua metode proteksi aku akan hal yang aku ga bisa ubah lagi.
itu semua metode bertahan hidup aku saat aku dalam fight or flight situation.

 

Dang! seandainya aku tahu kalau mendoakan "membangun keluarga Kristen yang penuh kasih dan damai" itu berarti harus siap sama prosesnya Tuhan yang dalam kebanyakan waktu sering diluar pikiran, 
mungkin aku bakal berpikir dua kali.. ahahahha

Tapi mungkin karna Tuhan tahu aku bakal menciut kalau tahu jalannya bakal seperti apa,
makanya Tuhan hanya meletakkan visinya, Tuhan ga kasih tahu jalannya...
so the journey will require faith on Him to make the miracle happen.

Any way, aku harap suatu saat aku bisa sharing segala hal ini dengan baik dan bisa menguatkan orang yang mungkin find themselves in their darkest, deepest pit.
Until that, I will focus on my own commitment, to better myself. 


xo 
Edys

B-A-S-I-C n-e-e-d-s 💞

Dear diary,
how long have I been in therapy for now?
I guess long enough that I can start seeing progress of all the inner work I have done so far

some highlight convos I had with my therapist

Her: "Gladys kamu cuman kasih dirimu waktu tidur 4 jam?!"
Me:"Eheheheh..makanya Dokter harus bantu aku..ehehhe."

Her: "Siap-siap, skincare, pergi sekolah. Sarapannya di mana Gladys?"
Me : #silence
Her: "Ya di siap-siap ya...disempatin sarapannya.."

Her: "Haru presentasi juga ekspektasi ke diri sendiri."
Me: "Ouh..harusnya ekspektasi ke luar ya..?"
Her: "Kalau ekspektasi keluar, kamu bakalan berantam terus sama lingkunganmu, teman-temanmu."
Me: "Aku ga pernah berantam sama teman-temanku."
Her: "Iya, karna kamu ekspektasi ke dirimu, jadinya kamu berantam sama dirimu terus."
Me: #DalamAti iya lagi...iya lagi...

Her: "Itu kemajuan Gladys."
Me: "Iya ya.."
Her: "Itu hasil usaha kamu. Kamu juga harus menghargai usahamu sendiri.."
Me: #DalamAti iya lagi :')

Untuk segala hal yang Tuhan izinkan terjadi dalam 7 bulan terakhir,

baik yang aku mengerti atau pun tidak,
aku percaya Tuhan siapkan untuk segala kebaikanku dan jawaban doa-doaku.
Bahkan pengalaman berat dan kelam dalam tahun ini, Tuhan siapkan untuk mengobati semua luka yang aku sendiri tidak mampu sebutkan, ceritakan, sembuhkan sendiri.

Great is Our God

just a page to appreciate life

Dear Abba,

thank You for loving me even before I learn to love myself

thank You for never letting me go even through my crazy singleness season that I learnt what You've always intended with relationship

thank You for creating my life in such a way that there's no other explaination than Your hands being in it

thank You for making wait for things I've prayed for, it makes me understand the value of the life I dreamt of, or to be correct the life You've put in my heart

thank You for Victor, this equally crazy, strong-headed man You put in my life

thank You for the love You put in his heart first, and he continues to tend it, until the same seed grows in my heart also

thank You for everything

I wish I didn't spend so much time crying and questioning what You're doing with my life

Thank You, Abba

sincerely your forever little girl,

Edys

baby steps in a full-grown adult

I knew healing was never linear...

but experiencing it firsthand, the ups and downs, is so much different from knowing...much more intense, much more perplexing, and sometimes doubting..

I can't tell if right now I'm fully healed or not

what I know is I know myself better now, my emotions, my thoughts.

I understand them better now.
Not just the Gladys I paint for other people to see, but the Glados I know deep inside, the true gladys, the one I tried for sooo long to hide, to protect, to paint in certain ways, my ways.

well..well..

if it's not the wandering mind that can't sleep although the body is aching and tired..

until next time,

stay alive and keep on living, bish.
I love you, truely...

xo
G

Peeling My House and Rebulding My Onion

Her: "Gladys kamu kayak onion. Banyak lapisannya. Saya bahkan baru tahu kamu pernah di FKG."

Me: "Dulu aku nyebutnya aku kayak hard-boiled egg, tapi kayaknya itu ga cukup ngegambarin banyaknya lapisanku..eheheh..." 

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Me: "Aku merasa kayak aku punya rumah namanya 'Gladys' dan saat ini rumahku lagi dihancurkan sampai ke dasar. Aku ngerasa kayak ga tau yang mana diriku yang sebenarnya yang mana yang mekanisme copingku akan apa yang dulu terjadi atau ego-ku yang lagi ngelindungi aku."

Her: "Iya, Karna kalau rumah catnya bagus tapi fondasinya ga bagus, sama aja, bakal hancur. Sama kayak kita mau renovasi rumah tua, harus kita hancurkan semuanya dan mulai dari bawah."

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Progress, especially inner-work, is never a linear process.
There are days when it feels like I am regressing, when I'm actually making improvement looking from a bigger picture, looking at the whole picture.

God, never wish for any of this to happen.

But then again, I did ask for a plot twist, didn't I? ;)

#SurpriseSurprise

Bale Pulang

I think it's finally safe enough to slow down and not rush anything,

to let myself be the sassy glados that I am,

to do the small, non-medical things I always thought about, start going to the gym again, taking drum lesson, weekly girls night-out, anything other that only doing residency stuff.

Not to underestimate the program, it's just, focusing solely on it has not done me any good...took a toll on my mental and physical health that I needed to take some time off from it.

But, all is well now..

And we're starting fresh in a few days...

finger crossed everything goes smoothly

training season's over...

Dear diary, 
if we all hold the power to creat the life we've always dreamnt of, what would be stopping us?
ourselves?
our self-doubts?
or our inner critics?

Anyway, might be crazy-bold end tell the universe what I want and need...
or in a more christian way, ask Abba for what I want from my deepest heart.

"training season's over..."