Finding the right stride

Tuhan, makasih udah mengizinkan Edys sekolah lagi.
Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan menimba ilmu ini.
Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan belajar banyak ini.
Edys bersyukur untuk kesempatan merasa bodoh, menangis, merasa berat, merasa ga yakin ini.
Karena Edys jadi bergantung penuh sama Bapa.

Tuhan, kalau boleh Edys memohon, tolong temani Edys menjalaninya.
Tolong ajar Edys, pimpin Edys, mampukan Edys.


Bapa, buat pintu yang Edys harapkan terbuka untuk Edys.
Bapa lah yang membukakannya.
Bapalah yang membawa Edys ke ruangan yang Edys doakan, kalau memang itu sesuai rencana dan rancangan Bapa.
Edys ga kenal siapa-siapa, Edys ga punya siapa-siapa, dan Edys anak-Mu yang banyak buat salah dalam hal ini.
Tapi arahkan, bukakan, sampaikanlah Edys di ruangan itu.

Dalam nama anak-Mu Tuhan Yesus Kristus, Edys nyatakan amin.

Dear Abba,

Abba, I know that there's no need for one specific time where You're gonna grant all my wishes and wants.

That's clearly not how this christian faith works.

But Abba, if I could knock on your door daily, I'm asking for this:
1. Give me courage, wisdom, and knowledge every day to fulfill this calling You've trusted me with.

2. Please give me a plot twist, new characters in my stories.

3. And can I start a family already? HAHAHAHAHAH, on a serious note, I wanna see how long will it take from me writing this, to tying the knot.
He better be everything You've prepared for me, that's all I'm asking.


Anyway, Abba.
Thank you for being my partner during today's 12-hour on-call duty.
If it wasn't You, I wouldn't be able to do it.

Sincerly,
Edys

D1

Dear Junior

Hang in there, Junior.
Berat, iya.
Nyerah, jangan.

Nangis, silahkan.
Berhenti bekerja, jangan.

I wish I could explain what happended in the past 2 months, but words are not enough, and I don't think I have the mental capacity at the moment to replay each and every story.

But ugh, what I know for sure is that this chapter is one of a kind.
Doing residency is nothing like medical school.
It's more intense, the responsibility is much bigger, and the train doesn't tolerate slow-paced people.

But if I could leave a note to myself, I'd say...

Dear Edys,

I know that this is hard, and I know you feel exhausted, lost, and sometimes incapable.

But baby girl, this is the kind of war you win just by showing up daily.

You don't need to kill each goliath daily, just show up daily.

Please love yourself.

Stop beating up yourself and ruminating on your mistakes, you're just a student, doing and learning things for the first time.

Take a deep breath.

Pray.

Know that Abba's got your back.

And always have your support system close.

Please don't let the negative talks win.

You have done more than you admit, don't belittle yourself, don't be your worst critique.

Be your greatest supporter, please.

From this chapter on, be kind to yourself.

Love,
G

They say...

when the heart is right, then the way will appear.
I guess it took me 29 years to fully acknowledge and understand that.

I feel like so many things in life are in the process of sorting or building at the moment.
In the middle of it all, I somehow have this strong belief that great things are taking place.
That things will work out even better than what I planned or what I ever dreamt and thought of.

Let's see how it turns out..

Fourth of July

Me : "Apa itu benda tajam, ya?"
Ibu : "Hmmm....coba dilihat dari jauh-dekat gambarnya."
Me : "Hmmm...Pistol ya, Bu."

***

I've met enough people to say that the world is indeed such a small place, and everyone is connected to everyone.

The other side of the coin is that life is very fleeting, and situations do change as the grass withers and flowers fade. 

Never had I imagined being so used to relocating from one place to another.
Never had I imagined I would be such a strong-willed, hard-to-defeat person.

Well, well, they say sometimes God shares the end-goal, other times He shares the very next step.
The in-between process should be surprises that grow our faith and character for the calling.

Anyway, I promise myself to take drum lessons after I'm done with my studies, or if during the process, I already know my way around, I will take at least one lesson a week.

The final goal is to play Fourth of July by Fall Out Boys. ✌

Is it even a dream if it's not big and scary enough to shake the innermost side of you at least just a wee bit? 😉

Wait a minute

I guess after all that has happened this past 1 year,
one thing I learn the most is to live in the mean time.

To fully live the current moment yet still working and holding onto hopes for the future.

Weirdly enough, despite the turbulances life throws, these calmness and steadiness are unshakeable.
My younger self would have been broken into pieces, turning into despair, and losing faith in the calling or in God's presence.
 

                                                                               ***

Dan bukan hanya itu saja. Kita malah bermegah juga dalam kesengsaraan kita, karena kita tahu, bahwa kesengsaraan itu menimbulkan ketekunan, dan ketekunan menimbulkan tahan uji dan tahan uji menimbulkan pengharapan. Dan pengharapan tidak mengecewakan, karena kasih Allah telah dicurahkan di dalam hati kita oleh Roh Kudus yang telah dikaruniakan kepada kita.

Roma 5:3-5 TB

 3Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5 NIV

***

In the mean time, I am waiting for an answer that will decide the course of not only the other half of this year, but also the rest of my life.
Excited for the unknown.
Hopeful for new chapters and characthers that may come along.

The long-time creeping question in me has been answered through a series of life experiences.

"God, am I strong enough for this calling You've put in my heart?"

No more guessing, no more doubts.

Yes, I am. 
Because if God says it, God will make the way, it will come to pass and we will see it through.

J A D E D

The last 5 months have been one of the most fast-changing periods in my life.
Not only regarding career or professional life, but also my internal locus.

I never knew how strong, resilient, and deeply rooted I am to my internal values until I faced some unexpected situations.
Thought I would fall hard and start questioning my decisions.
Instead, I was calm and solution-oriented.

Me: "Aku tuh dulu berpikir, karena Mama dan sepupu deket aku, proses pembentukannya dengan kehilangan orang tua. Aku sempat berpikir, apa aku harus ngelewatin proses itu juga ya untuk pembentukanku. Ternyata enggak. Pikiranku terlalu kecil untuk bisa menebak cara Tuhan."

Her: "Biasanya proses pembentukan itu adalah saat ekspektasi ga sesuai dengan kenyataan. Nah bisa berupa kehilangan orang tua, kegagalan, hubungan asmara yang berakhir. Tapi intinya adalah gimana menghadapi kenyataan yang ga sesuai dengan ekspektasi atau rencana itu."

So, whatever 2025 may bring, I know for sure it's a big change.
Not because I know exactly what's coming, but I know I have gone through one of the most transformative situations, and I'm glad to say that what come out of me during this time are desired and tested traits. 

Personally, I felt like, "Aghh... my core indeed is pure and unshakeable. Well, guess I had underestimated myself all along." :')

On another note,

I know for sure that having faith doesn't mean you never experience doubts or anxiety.
But having faith means you press on because you know He's got this.
And even though the storms seem scary, He is in the boat with you; not only that, 

He will calm them and ask you to sleep it in because He will get us to the land.       

 He always does.