baby steps in a full-grown adult

I knew healing was never linear...

but experiencing it firsthand, the ups and downs, is so much different from knowing...much more intense, much more perplexing, and sometimes doubting..

I can't tell if right now I'm fully healed or not

what I know is I know myself better now, my emotions, my thoughts.

I understand them better now.
Not just the Gladys I paint for other people to see, but the Glados I know deep inside, the true gladys, the one I tried for sooo long to hide, to protect, to paint in certain ways, my ways.

well..well..

if it's not the wandering mind that can't sleep although the body is aching and tired..

until next time,

stay alive and keep on living, bish.
I love you, truely...

xo
G

Peeling My House and Rebulding My Onion

Her: "Gladys kamu kayak onion. Banyak lapisannya. Saya bahkan baru tahu kamu pernah di FKG."

Me: "Dulu aku nyebutnya aku kayak hard-boiled egg, tapi kayaknya itu ga cukup ngegambarin banyaknya lapisanku..eheheh..." 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: "Aku merasa kayak aku punya rumah namanya 'Gladys' dan saat ini rumahku lagi dihancurkan sampai ke dasar. Aku ngerasa kayak ga tau yang mana diriku yang sebenarnya yang mana yang mekanisme copingku akan apa yang dulu terjadi atau ego-ku yang lagi ngelindungi aku."

Her: "Iya, Karna kalau rumah catnya bagus tapi fondasinya ga bagus, sama aja, bakal hancur. Sama kayak kita mau renovasi rumah tua, harus kita hancurkan semuanya dan mulai dari bawah."

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Progress, especially inner-work, is never a linear process.
There are days when it feels like I am regressing, when I'm actually making improvement looking from a bigger picture, looking at the whole picture.

God, never wish for any of this to happen.

But then again, I did ask for a plot twist, didn't I? ;)

#SurpriseSurprise