Next To Me

Dear my blog, I've been bad for abandoning you this whole time...I'm sorry.

Here's a story I wanna share, I hope that it'll be useful for may be my friends or whoever read it.

I have shared in my this post about what has been going on my personal life.
But I guess that post hasn't really sain everything out and put things on their places.

#in one of my conversations with Kak Abeth-my cousin
Her : "..you don't even wan't to be a doctor.That's what your mom tells you to be.You like fashion.."
Me : " I don't know.."

I spent time thinking about what I really love and what I wanna be doing for living and in my life.
For I'm not the kind of person who doesn't like people knowing what my 'real' problems are. I usually just ask Mom or Kak Abeth about them. Since my mom is not gonna give me other answers but "to be a doctor", so I had been avoiding her from talking about future plans,or in my case, university plans.

                                                                        ***

Since long time ago, being a doctor has been pledged in me. And unfortunately, I hadn't used the right portion of time knowing what I really want.

When I was on the tenth grade, we (my mom and I) thought going to University of Indonesia was the best for me. Until I was faced with the 'real' world of University of Indonesia. The reality that they set real high passing grade. And from the try-outs I've had, I still need about 20% more to pass it.

Then, the SNMPTN came. This enables  high school students to get in government's universities without exams, they'll just look at your academic results on school and the kind of non-acedemic achievements you have. So, on this selection, we (mom and I) decided to put University of Gadjah Mada (UGM) and University of Sumatera Utara (USU) as my choices. We're still waiting for the results which come out on the 28th of May.

Starting from early May, I'm on an intensive preparation program for SBMPTN, the written test to get in university. My course sets that every week we have try-outs.Until now, I have taken them for 3 times. But the third result hasn't come out. The fisrt and second were my consideration on choosing which university I'll go to if I don't pass the SNMPTN.

My passing grade has been just around 40s% , but UGM's medical school's passing grade is 56,07%. Still far. So I decided to consult with my mom about other universities that are much more 'reachable' for me.

Me : "Mak, lihatlah.Ini hasil try-out ku, trus ini daftar passing-grade yang baru."
Mom : "Iya.Kenapa?"
Me : "Passing gradeku cuman antara 40an aja, apa ga aku ambil aja Fakultas Kedokterannya Universitas Udayana, passing gradenya cuman 42%..."
Mom : " Udayana, di Bali itu kan. Mau ngapain kau di sana?! Biaya hidupnya mahal itu. Bagus kau ambil Riau, dekat. Ga sampek 24 jam kalok kau mau pulang ke Medan."
Me : "Ngapain aku di Riau?"
Mamak : "AH! Kau pikirlah Dys. Udah dewasa kau. Jangan ga bisa kau dikasih tau."

Well percakapan aslinya, somehow, lebih intense. But that is much of how it was.

That felt like a hard slap on my face.

"What is it now? 

Now that when I feel ok about going to a medical school, I can't go where I wanted."

I cried.
I thought of how these university things have got in my friends' nerves when it didn't really do the same with me ( that time). How I wondered why my friends needed to consult with Pak Malau (my former math teacher) about which majority to take.
How I thought it was somehow weird.

And now it came for me. Worse, I can't consult with Pak Malau now. There I was, alone in my bed, crying. Left me to no other choice but to pray. All I know, I fell asleep and I had a really odd but vivid dream. 

In my dream, I was in a church's area. 

And there was a man, he was old but not 'grandparents' old.

He was greeting all the congregants coming in the church.

I was sitting on a bench, when the old man came to me.
He asked me what was wrong that I didn't come straight in the chruch.

Then, I was telling him all my problems. I was shocked of how I was reacting to him. 

It freaked me out, for I'm not the type of person who talks to stanger about my problems.

But I have never been so open and sure about my problems, my feelings, my wants.

And the old guy was giving me the look that he FULLY understands all of them. He didn't even give me any sign of commentings or disagreements. 

I remember this part of our conversation :

Me : "Why do I have to make this decision? I'm just 17. I don't know what to choose..."
Him : " You're still a kid. You should talk to your mom about what you want."
Me : " She'll never understand."
Him : " Come on. Let's get inside. I'll help you."

Trust me, even until I wake up the next morning, I was still shocked.
How in world I had that dream?!
And moreever, how could I felt calm after what happened with mom.

Few days after that, I started to have some clear mind to really think about what happened and what my mom really meant. I finally realized that Mom's right. Although, I know for sure I don't wanna go to Riau.  But she's right about the life expenses in Bali and its distance from Medan.

It was Monday afternoon after I had my private learning, and I was sitting next to my Mom while she was watching some news, she said..

Mom : " Kalau kau ga lulus SNMPT, berati kau harus kerja keras lah ya Dys buat SBMPTNmu."
Aku : "Iya lah mak.."
Mom : "Ya udalah, buat aja lah pilihanmu USU, UDAYANA,sama RIAU."
Aku :  "..." #shocked What just my Mom said?! AM I HALUSINATING?!
Mom : " Kau maunya Udayana kan? Ambil ajalah itu sama Riau.."

WHAT IN ALL THE UNIVERSE JUST HAPPENED?!

What was I feeling at that very moment?!

I FELT SO HAPPY that I WANTED TO CRY. I can't make sense of it.
How after last Tuesday night, we had arguements about these, and now just 6 days after that, my mom changed her opinions.

Looking at it now,
I think that old man on my dream really did HELP me.
He helped my understand what I want.
And yes, he helped me talk to my Mom.


So, I AM going to a medical school. I really hope it'll be UGM.
I LOVE MAGAZINES.They're my text books.
I love entertainment world.
I love making reviews about new movies, TV series, Hollywood stars, new singles.
I love it.
I love dresses.A lot of them.
Although my mom still doesn't get it now, may be someday she will. :)

"When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

 well,all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, will find him next to me"

By the way, this is my parents' party invitation :)