Sesuatu di Sumba

 Hei, everyone.

I hope y'all are doing wonderful in life.
Pengen cerita tapi kayak ga tau mau mulai dari mana, 
karna udah terlalu banyak yang terjadi.

Yang aku tau, bener-bener ga ada yang kebetulan, bahkan orang yang kita temui, kontak kita dimana aja, mereka ga kebetulan 'dipertemukan' sama kita. Ada sesuatu yang dititipkan ke dia untuk 'dibawakan' ke kita.

Other than that, untuk 3 bulan ke depan, 3 bulan terakhir masa iship aku di Sumba, aku mau makin fokus ke self-improvements, latihan jiwa, latihan keterampilan, makin mandiri.

I know this sounds so weird, tapi di doa-puasa kali ini, aku ngerasa 'diminta' untuk keep everything low. Since, aku suka banget main story WA and just blab or share silly things there.
So, 21 hari ke depan, well tinggal 19 hari lagi sih, I won't be uploading anything in WA stories nor IG stories.

Other than that, aku bener-bener pengen fit phisically.

Bukan karna ada orang komentari fisik aku atau apa, NO. ahahhaha

It's just I feel like I owe it to myself buat jadi versi terbaik diri aku, termasuk phisically, taking care of it, being mindful on what I put inside my body, and working out.

Although yeah I do have a certain weight yang aku mau, tapi itu untuk pendorongnya. Biar lucu aja gitu, kalau nyebut berat badan angka depannya berubah...kan kebanggaan tersendiri aja gitu ;)

Pernah ga sih kamu ngerasa jatuh cinta, sama hidup?

Like you just love your life, simply and fully.

Kayak, kamu tahu keadaan ga selamanya menyenangkan, orang-orang di sekitar kita ga selamanya sejalan, sepikir, bisa diajak senang-senang, somehow still you love it, all of it.

Aku ga bilang keadaan sekarang sempurna...tapi aku punya pemahaman, penerimaan, dan keinginan untuk terus ngebuka kejutan-kejutan yang udah disiapkan di hidup aku.

Now,  hal baru yang bikin aku excited adalah being financially independent.
I never knew it would feel this liberating.
Walau ini bukan pertama kali aku ngasilin uang sendiri, cuman this time emang kerasa beda, karna benar-benar 'independent'.

Seneng bisa punya tanggung jawab bayar tagihan di rumah, walau ga sesuatu yang besar banget, tapi it makes me feel like I am contributing to my family. :')
Seneng banget bisa beliin barang-barang buat Mamak-Bapak-Cia.
Seneng bisa kasih ke orang lain tanpa khawatir akan kebutuhan aku.
Seneng bisa beliin diri barang-barang yang dulu aku masukin ke wishlist aja, sekarang udah bisa kasih ke diri sendiri, dari hasil kerja sendiri.
Dan seneng dengan segala hal yang aku lakukan, aku masih bisa mikirin buat masa depan aku, invest dengan cara terbaik yang aku siap terima risikonya.

Well, ingat ga sih aku pernah minta sama Bapa di 2017 kalau aku mau jadi wanita yang berdaya dan mandiri, secara keseharian, emosional, and finansial. Now, it all feels like He is answering and making me become one step by step.
Semua kejadian membentuk aku untuk bisa jadi wanita yang aku impikan dan doakan.

Other than that,

doa dan puasa kali ini emang aku tujukan untuk peneguhan dalam pengharapan.
Karna 3 bulan terakhir bener-bener banyak banget hal baru dan sempat bikin aku goyah sama apa yang aku doakan, apa yang aku imani.

So yeah....until June 14th, we'll see what big, unexpected, miraculous things Abba's gonna do.

 

Dear Edys,

Please, don't overthink everything. 

Please let new people come in your life without questioning their motives.

Trust that the universe always brings the right ones for the right purposes in your life.

Some may become lessons, some may become cherished relations.

Just like what B said, "you and I know trust issue is not a good thing."

And you know exactly what it brings to you both 🥲🙃

Dang, if someone new, out of the blue, can bring such crucial lessons like this....I wish I had learnt it long before he came into my life.

So he didn't have to end up being a lesson.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat.

🥲

Dear Abba

Abba,

is this even real?

I am not dreaming, am I?

How did the story flip just like that?

How did someone just come in my life and make me feel again, make me wanna know more again, make my heart rush, smiling so widely, giggling on every text received, feeling anxious on an incoming call?

How?

How did someone just come when I thought I wouldn't be able to heal from such deep pain and bad things?

Abba,  

I went through a lot of pain, but I know now I didn't walk by my own going through that, You've always been with me.

Bless my life Abba and use it for all Your glory and to be Your vessels to other people.

Good night,Abba.🙏🏼

Good night,  unexpected plot twist. 🥲🥰

55555

 Hi, everyone.

Aneh banget rasanya aku milih judul post pertama setelah 2 bulan off malah angka doang.

Tapi emang akhir-akhir ini, aku sering banget 'dapet' angka kembar.

Paling heran tuh pas dinas lihat jam 55555....

I was shook.

Any way,

where to start ya..

I really don't have the right words to actually describe one by one how life has been.

But what I know is that, I keep in my heart what Mom told me before leaving for Sumba, NTT, that 

"Kalau Tuhan izinkan kau pergi internship di November, dan dapat NTT, berarti ada yang Tuhan siapkan di sana untukmu. Pergilah, Nang."

Now, I really enjoy my work place at the moment, the emergency room at the hospital.

Yeah my schedule is packed and surely I feel tired after my shift, but working in the ER gives me a sense of hmmm what's the right word yah... accomplishment, it's like I actually see how the treatment given is affecting the patient, improving his condition, which is such a pleasure for me.

There's so many things yang kayaknya bakal dibilangin sebagai 'keberuntungan' kalau aku cerita ke temen-temen aku.
But, I know for sure all of these 'lucks' are God's blessing and provision for me.

Somehow, I have never felt more alive, more grateful, more on purpose, even when I still don't know what I'm gonna do after the end of this year, like will I pursue my education, will I take work contract for another year or two, or will I take the civil servant recruitment test, or will I get married.

There's this sense that everything is already taken care of.
That Abba already has something for me.
And what He has for me is the best.

It is so weird...all this 'trusting Him and letting Him work in my life' feels like it has been taken to another level. 

And ughh... 

I finally made my own podcast, it's called OVERDOS.
The name was actually Nayas' idea...and this bitch has the nerve to tell me dia belum denger karna dia ga install Spotify di HP nya -_-"

Sebenernya, apa bedanya blog ama Overdos?

Well, sama-sama aku maksudkan buat share hal-hal yang menurut aku worth sharing about, atau setidaknya beri sudut pandang yang lain ke orang.

Walau most of the times bakalan ada sharing personal life, yang juga sebenarnya ga sedetail kehidupan nyatanya, because I value secrecy, privacy, and accountability.

Bedanya, ya di podcast I can actually vocalize it, like how I would ke temen deket aku, ke sahabat aku.
And I feel like my personality is conveyed more finely through podcast.

Other than that....

SUMBA has been full of surprises.

Or should I say life has been full of surprisingly beautiful things and feelings.

So ya...stay safe everyone..

And hopefully this stormy weather pass by quickly.

little pass-over moments

P.S.

and then I was swept away,

by his politeness and simply himself.

thought I'd fall for a laid-back, casual, your-hangout-buddy type.

turnt out I've fallen for a simple one, who makes me feel honored and respected.

ahahahha...

it's funny how you finally realized what you deserve after long time of being treated poorly.

shifted 🔁

 Hello, everyone.

It's February already, January was filled with unexpected news and also new experiences for me.

I just wanna pass by and say I'll be taking some time off.

Primarily, because February is a busy month packed with me finishing administrative stuff in my current work place and also moving to another one. 

Secondly, I really just wanna focus on working on myself, personally, academically, relationally.

It might take a month, three months, or even 6 months after I finish my internship.

But no matter how long it takes, I'mma make sure I do my best for me.

Hopefully when I'm back, there'll be new stories, new lessons, new people worth sharing about.

Stay safe. ☺️

In whatever you're facing right now, know that He is with you there.

It might not feel like it right now.

But it will make sense in time, HIS TIMING. ⏳

Happy Sunday ☺️

I will never know how my life will be,

but I know I'm safe in His Hands 

"Terimakasih, Yesus.

Engkau sangat baik, teramat baik bagiku." 🙏🏼✨

struggles

baru 10 hari 2021....
rasanya aku udah 'not looking forward' to the rest of the year.

bukan karna aku positif covid dan aku ga terima keadaanku.

it's just, after more than a week of being isolated, routines got more and more plain, life feels like another day spent exactly the same.

now, the hard part is hubungan pribadi aku sama Bapa.
this one is realy hard karna aku sampai di titik ngerasa ga tau apa yang mau aku harapkan.
Like...losing hope is one thing...not hoping is another thing.

I am not hoping for anything.
Like anything.

And it's scary and wrong since hope should be one of the core pillars, other than faith and love.

cuman...aku kayak mau bilang...

"God this hoping thing is really hard at the moment. 
It is.
It's hard to keep hope when I already feel so stagnant with my life.
It's hard to keep hope when I don't feel like talking to anyone about this, my struggles.
It's hard to keep hope after all that life had brought me.

It's easier to just, you know, numb it all.
Ga berharap."