Dear Abba

Abba,

is this even real?

I am not dreaming, am I?

How did the story flip just like that?

How did someone just come in my life and make me feel again, make me wanna know more again, make my heart rush, smiling so widely, giggling on every text received, feeling anxious on an incoming call?

How?

How did someone just come when I thought I wouldn't be able to heal from such deep pain and bad things?

Abba,  

I went through a lot of pain, but I know now I didn't walk by my own going through that, You've always been with me.

Bless my life Abba and use it for all Your glory and to be Your vessels to other people.

Good night,Abba.🙏🏼

Good night,  unexpected plot twist. 🥲🥰

55555

 Hi, everyone.

Aneh banget rasanya aku milih judul post pertama setelah 2 bulan off malah angka doang.

Tapi emang akhir-akhir ini, aku sering banget 'dapet' angka kembar.

Paling heran tuh pas dinas lihat jam 55555....

I was shook.

Any way,

where to start ya..

I really don't have the right words to actually describe one by one how life has been.

But what I know is that, I keep in my heart what Mom told me before leaving for Sumba, NTT, that 

"Kalau Tuhan izinkan kau pergi internship di November, dan dapat NTT, berarti ada yang Tuhan siapkan di sana untukmu. Pergilah, Nang."

Now, I really enjoy my work place at the moment, the emergency room at the hospital.

Yeah my schedule is packed and surely I feel tired after my shift, but working in the ER gives me a sense of hmmm what's the right word yah... accomplishment, it's like I actually see how the treatment given is affecting the patient, improving his condition, which is such a pleasure for me.

There's so many things yang kayaknya bakal dibilangin sebagai 'keberuntungan' kalau aku cerita ke temen-temen aku.
But, I know for sure all of these 'lucks' are God's blessing and provision for me.

Somehow, I have never felt more alive, more grateful, more on purpose, even when I still don't know what I'm gonna do after the end of this year, like will I pursue my education, will I take work contract for another year or two, or will I take the civil servant recruitment test, or will I get married.

There's this sense that everything is already taken care of.
That Abba already has something for me.
And what He has for me is the best.

It is so weird...all this 'trusting Him and letting Him work in my life' feels like it has been taken to another level. 

And ughh... 

I finally made my own podcast, it's called OVERDOS.
The name was actually Nayas' idea...and this bitch has the nerve to tell me dia belum denger karna dia ga install Spotify di HP nya -_-"

Sebenernya, apa bedanya blog ama Overdos?

Well, sama-sama aku maksudkan buat share hal-hal yang menurut aku worth sharing about, atau setidaknya beri sudut pandang yang lain ke orang.

Walau most of the times bakalan ada sharing personal life, yang juga sebenarnya ga sedetail kehidupan nyatanya, because I value secrecy, privacy, and accountability.

Bedanya, ya di podcast I can actually vocalize it, like how I would ke temen deket aku, ke sahabat aku.
And I feel like my personality is conveyed more finely through podcast.

Other than that....

SUMBA has been full of surprises.

Or should I say life has been full of surprisingly beautiful things and feelings.

So ya...stay safe everyone..

And hopefully this stormy weather pass by quickly.

little pass-over moments

P.S.

and then I was swept away,

by his politeness and simply himself.

thought I'd fall for a laid-back, casual, your-hangout-buddy type.

turnt out I've fallen for a simple one, who makes me feel honored and respected.

ahahahha...

it's funny how you finally realized what you deserve after long time of being treated poorly.

shifted 🔁

 Hello, everyone.

It's February already, January was filled with unexpected news and also new experiences for me.

I just wanna pass by and say I'll be taking some time off.

Primarily, because February is a busy month packed with me finishing administrative stuff in my current work place and also moving to another one. 

Secondly, I really just wanna focus on working on myself, personally, academically, relationally.

It might take a month, three months, or even 6 months after I finish my internship.

But no matter how long it takes, I'mma make sure I do my best for me.

Hopefully when I'm back, there'll be new stories, new lessons, new people worth sharing about.

Stay safe. ☺️

In whatever you're facing right now, know that He is with you there.

It might not feel like it right now.

But it will make sense in time, HIS TIMING. ⏳

Happy Sunday ☺️

I will never know how my life will be,

but I know I'm safe in His Hands 

"Terimakasih, Yesus.

Engkau sangat baik, teramat baik bagiku." 🙏🏼✨

struggles

baru 10 hari 2021....
rasanya aku udah 'not looking forward' to the rest of the year.

bukan karna aku positif covid dan aku ga terima keadaanku.

it's just, after more than a week of being isolated, routines got more and more plain, life feels like another day spent exactly the same.

now, the hard part is hubungan pribadi aku sama Bapa.
this one is realy hard karna aku sampai di titik ngerasa ga tau apa yang mau aku harapkan.
Like...losing hope is one thing...not hoping is another thing.

I am not hoping for anything.
Like anything.

And it's scary and wrong since hope should be one of the core pillars, other than faith and love.

cuman...aku kayak mau bilang...

"God this hoping thing is really hard at the moment. 
It is.
It's hard to keep hope when I already feel so stagnant with my life.
It's hard to keep hope when I don't feel like talking to anyone about this, my struggles.
It's hard to keep hope after all that life had brought me.

It's easier to just, you know, numb it all.
Ga berharap."

c o n s e q u e n c e s 🔁

hello everyone.

since I'm on isolation, I have more time to write and luckily in my isolation hospital, the reception is way better. 🙏🏼☺️

kepikiran deh tentang kasus video 9/19 detik artis. (tergantung dapat yang durasi berapa kalau kata temen aku) 🙃

sejujurnya, aku pribadi ga pernah lihat videonya, karna aku tau yang begitu malah bakal mancing keingintahuan, and I know myself well untuk ngerti aku ga perlu 'mencobai' diriku sendiri. 🙃✌🏼

Yang bikin aku kepikiran bukan videonya, tapi kata-kata temen aku.

Maria : "Lihat lah Bor story si *, ayat-ayat gitu diuploadnya. Kayaknya dia lagi sedih kali."

Me : "Iyalah, Bor. Kalau sampai kayak gitu."

Maria : "Tapi mau gimana, udah konsekuensinya."

This struck me, karna aku keinget kata-kata Mama Laura dulu selalu bilang ke aku :

"Apa pun yang kau lakukan, itu pasti ada konsekuensinya, Nang.

Mau itu yang baik. Atau itu yang buruk.

Tapi kau harus siap menghadapinya.

Itu namanya bertanggung jawab."

Karna dulu aku hidupnya serampangan sama pilihan-pilihanku dan aku ga bener dalam mempertimbangan konsekuensi dan ga berpikir tentang mempertanggung jawabkannya, so when 'the universe' puts me in the exam, it was a real one dan bener-bener bikin sadar.

Yang aku pelajari adalah, segala hal yang kita buat punya konsekuensi.

Ngomong ini gampang dan gampang banget nganggap remehnya. 

Karna aku dulu yang kayak gitu. 

Cuman maksud konsekuensi ini bukan cuman yang aku lakukan hari ini, yang besoknya banget aku dapat 'akibatnya'.

Karna kayaknya dulu aku cuman berpikir tentang efek jangka pendek.

But in real life, and most of the time, consequences datangnya belakangan, sama kayak penyesalan.

Konsekuensi makanan dan gaya hidup yang aku pilih di usia 20-30an bakal nentuin kesehatan aku di usia 50an.

Konsekuensi gaya hidup, pengelolaan uang, pengaturan prioritas aku selama masih single, bakal mempengaruhi banget nasib keluarga dan anak-anak aku nantinya.

Konsekuensi omongan yang aku izinin masuk ke pikiran dan hati aku, bakal mempengaruhi life-defining choices yang akan aku buat.

What I'm trying to say is to really live in the moment is a good thing.

But living in the moment and not considering how this will affect your future is an act of foolishness.

Lebih dari itu, yang hebat bukan yang berani melakukan sesuatu.

Tapi yang berani mempertanggung jawabkannya. ✨🙏🏼

Kalau kata Mama Laura :

"(Perempuan hebat itu yang) tetap berdiri tegak dengan wajah menghadap ke depan menjalani hidupnya."

Hoping for the best untuk semua yang terlibat, terutama wanita yang menghadapinya. ✨🙏🏼

n a n g i s 😭

 ini suatu kegoblokan sih....

tapi aku nangis waktu sadar banyak yang sayang sama aku.

temen-temen yang kasih semangat.

bahkan Om Ojek andalan juga peduli banget sama aku.

Aku mo nangis....

Well salah, aku nangis....

Tuhan kasih Edys banyak orang yang sayang dan peduli sama Edys.

Saat Edys kira Edys bukan siapa2 di hidup orang-orang.

😭😭😭😭😭😭